


Snakeskin and leopard don’t mix

by ZoeBen



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Attempt at Humor, Banter, Flirting, Friendship, Getting Together, Literary Quotes, M/M, My First Drarry!!, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romance, Slow Burn, Social Media, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:20:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 19,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24255769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZoeBen/pseuds/ZoeBen
Summary: WARNINGS:The work before you uses bad language, blunt sexual innuendos, dark humour, bad flirting, slash ships, heterosexuals, and texting.Also, the devil has a Yorkshire accent.Or:Blaise is besotted, Theo is done, Ron is definitely NOT addicted to Gilmore Girls, and in the middle of it all, Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy get entangled with each other in more ways than one.Also, the devil has a Yorkshire accent.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Neville Longbottom/Blaise Zabini
Comments: 21
Kudos: 45
Collections: fuck it let's go drarry





	1. Draco, Thursday, September 25th

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Draco advocated that the same could be said for any relationship, and frankly put, he saw no merit in wasting his time reading 1500 pages without at least one redeeming sex scene.

That was the last time he bought a book based on Theo recommendation alone. Something was definitely off with that one. 

He threw off the offending book in favor of his laptop.

Snakeskin is designer:

_(13:46) I'm back bitches!_


	2. Ron, Thursday September 25th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. This ship explores different perspectives, so the chapters' names consist of the main character's name & date. In each chapter the main character will not have a nickname following his/her texts.
> 
> 2\. Different chapters, different lengths. 
> 
> enjoy:)

Ron was twelve when he wrote his first and last novel. It was a heartfelt apology forced out of him by _his_ best friend for insulting their _mutual_ best friend. The latter was currently dowsing off peacefully, her head occasionally slipping from one shoulder to the next.

The golden ratio:

_(13:43) Are you as scared to wake her up as I am?_

ScarnotSimba(13:43): I'm more concern that she fell asleep in the first place

ScarnotSimba(13:44) I thought she ran on an endless supply of caffeine and sugar

_(13:45) better let her rest the dude in the front is mistreating a Tolstoy._

ScarnotSimba(13:46) Behold the wrath of Granger.

ScarnotSimba(13:46) btw are we talking blond? Laptop? Nibbling on a croissant and staring at…

ScarnotSimba(13:47) Oops you reckon he saw me?

_(13:48) maybe, I wouldn’t worry about it mate_

_(13:48) ten pounds say you won’t see that bloke again in your life._


	3. Blaise, Wednesday, October 12th

Mrs. and Mr. Zabini (the originals) were proud to say they were abnormally attractive and thank you very much. In fact, they considered themselves the chief authority on all that was devilishly handsome, quite literally.

You see, they had signed a contract with The Dark Lord himself.

He lived in Edinburgh, and they had to pay him three gold coins and a foil hat. Handmade.

The devil had a Yorkshire accent.

He did not grant the Zabinis eternal youth, as they had hoped, however, he did share a timeless truth in exchange for their troubles.

Now, what the devil had actually told them was a direct quote from Shakespeare, which he knew pretty well as he once played in a late-night show of The Twelfth Night.

Over the years, it got slightly modified and for the past three generations, the Zabinis dictated to their young ones that they had nothing to fear – some were born attractive, some achieved attractiveness, and others had attractiveness thrust upon them.

Blaise Zabini spent 18 years believing he managed to score a respectable two out of three in that regard. 

On the day the soldier moved in, he had all three.

***

It wasn’t raining the day he met the soldier. 

On the contrary, it was appropriately sunny and mildly dry. Blaise was laying by a large window -sunglass, towel, and bathing suit included.

He even made himself a mimosa with a small pink umbrella in it.

A soft murmur carried through the open door.

“Promise you won’t laugh?”

“Never”

“I am really going to miss you. Us.”

“I am going to miss you so much it’s killing me.”

“I can’t believe you’re leaving.”

“Fuck, I know. What are we going to do now?”

Oh, for the love of all that is sinister and rotten!

_The (bloody) tower:_

_(12:17) Potter, Weasley can you kindly please shut the fuck up?_

_(12:17) Potter is moving to the same floor, not to America._

_(12:18) and may I just say that he had upgraded up. Room 975 is deluxe._

_(12:18) forever in your debt etc etc_

HarryP(12:21) sorry

Freckles(12:21) sorry

_Snakeskin is designer:_

_(12:23) remember when I told y’all that I am experimenting? well I am over that_

D-daddy(12:25) I remember you refusing to buy an apartment

Theo(12:25) money is a social construct Theo love

D-daddy(12:26) I want to experience flees and all the other wonderful advantages of an unprivileged life Draco dearest

Theo(12:26) don’t you want to try a McDonald Theo? 

D-daddy(12:26) Bone a poor person Draco?

_(12:27) …I never said that last one and you know it_

D-daddy(12:29) Whatever you meant it

D-daddy(12:29) Why else suffer living in a dormitory?

_(12:31) …_

Theo(12:31) I love it when he’s speechless

D-daddy(12:32) Oh wait silly me

D-daddy(12:32) I bet it was so you’d be able to fake tanning by a sad little window, all by your lonesome, while Theo and I are sipping martinis by the pool, like the gods that we are. 

_(12:35) martinis? That is so last season D_

Theo(12:37) wait are you actually attempting a tan by a WINDOW?

(12:41) *img*

(12:41) never underestimate my dedication to our traditions bbe

Theo(12:43) soz

D-daddy(12:43) Sorry (not sorry)

Prep is Ace:

Her (13:06) Why won’t you help Harry with his boxes?

_(13:19) A. because I would look awful in a denim jumpsuit pooky_

_(13:20) and B. because he spent twenty minutes having gushing-break-up-sex with The Ex. And frankly, darling, I deserve another cocktail after what I’ve witnessed._

Her(13:24): A. You’re insane. B. Did they do the thing with the awkward-manly-patting-turns-into-a-hug yet?

_(13:24) no…_

_(13:24) WAIT_

Her(13:26): Yeah it’s bad, but it gets much better after they get past it.

(13:27): no no I heard something.

(13:27): someone’s making… noises.

Her(13:28): You don’t say

Her(13:38) Can that someone perchance be Harry, trying to move in?

(13:39) no I don’t think so.

(13:39) wait

*calling D-daddy*

“You’ve reached Draco the Fabulous; how may I mock you? “

“I am freaking out D I- I am ninety-six percent sure that I am getting burglarized right now!”

“B you live in a college _dorm_. What can you possibly have worth stealing?”

“Umm my innocence?! “

“ri-ght, hold on, I am alerting the authorities as we speak. Wanted: unknown men in black masks are targeting ships that set sail when the titanic hit roc-“

“Shut up! I am being sincere for once; I am legitimately getting robbed! “

“B’?”

“Yes?”

“It’s the middle of the day. You’re not getting robbe – w-w-wait was that a-a gunshot?”

“Sissy. No, I think they just dropped something, should I hide?”

“Blaise…Are you still laying by the window?”

“Obviously, you think I want an uneven tan? Fuck, they’re here, I’ll call you back. ”

***

Blaise blinked.

His burglar was carrying a very large box. He also had an army cap, jacket and boots.

The babyface was especially alarming.

As far as burglars went, Blaise’s appeared to be rather reasonable. Albeit, there was all manner of greenery climbing out of his box, and thus, he decided to withhold judgment and give his thief the benefit of the doubt.

“H-hey sorry ter interrupt – wow ye don’t do half-arsed raun’ here, aye?”

“N-o, we certainly do not.“ Blaise said, narrowing his eyes. Maybe the burglar wanted to get a feel of the environment before he strikes. “I have a gun.” He lied.

The burglar gave him a skeptical once over that bordered on openly amused. 

So far, not very threatening.

“I’ll, er, keep that in mind, um, ye don’t ‘appen ter know where room 985 is?”

“Why?”

“I got lost, it ‘appens a lot and I was really countin’ on getting’ settled in before nighttime.”

Oh.

Ohhhhh…

“Why nighttime? Rushing for a hot date?”

“Ah n-no? I am single.”

Well, Blaise could certainly work with _that._

“This _is_ room 985. Mimosa?”

“Um… yer plaque says 975.”

“That? Pushh, a missing decimal point is all. It is meant to be 9.75, so rounding up that will be –“

“Ten?”

“Will it? I guess, I am not very good with numbers. Was that a no on the Mimosa?”

“I-“ the probably-not-a-burglar had to balance his box over his thigh, which was very thick and, in Blaise’s humble opinion, not at all thieve-like. “Raincheck?”

What the hell, some things were worth the wait.

He shrugged and sipped his drink, going for the disdainfully-content look - “suit yourself.” 

***

Snakeskin is designer:

D-daddy(13:48): B?

D-daddy(13:52) Blaise????

D-daddy(13:57) Blaise you sneaky pesky little lowlife, you better get back on the line right now

D-daddy(13:59): I am alerting the authorities

_(14:01) Tell them I was a victim of a horrific crime_

Theo(14:04): D is hyperventilating into a bag, I am making the call, what did they steal?

(14:04) My heart ;pp

*Theo had removed you from the group.*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEHE this was originally the FIRST chapter written for this fic :)
> 
> The next few chapters are already written but I am uploading sporadically for editing purposes.  
> Cheers!


	4. Draco Friday, October 14th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick moment of gratitude for the story's new subscribers,  
> this one is for you :)

Snakeskin is designer:

_(15:15) Okay he had suffered enough_

Theo(15:16) Thank fuck it was getting b-o-r-i-n-g

Theo added QueenB to the group

QueenB(15:29): do you guys think veterans are hot?

_(15:36) Blaise!_

_(15:36) That is so middle class_

QueenB(15:37): he might be Irish

Theo (15:38) that’s worse

_(15:38) Now now Theo behave_

_(15:38) Tell us more_

QueenB(15:41): he sort of has an accent? I think

QueenB(15:41): it comes and goes

QueenB(15:42): and he moved into my floor and

QueenB(15:42): OMG

QueenB(15:47): he knows Potter

_(15:51) Who?_

QueenB(15:52): Potter as in my new roommate as in my way in as in my new BFF

QueenB(15:52): they’re hugging

_(15:57) That would be him and…Potter?_

QueenB(15:58): yes he just invited him over

_(15:58) Potter did_

QueenB(15:59): … I can sense you have an issue but I am going to slide past it for the time being

QueenB(16:00): because shite is happening

QueenB(16:00): he smiled at me

QueenB(16:01): like right at me

QueenB(16:01): he remembers!!

QueenB(16:02): How come no one slapped me out of it yet?

QueenB(16:03) guys?

Theo(16:05) Just taking it all in

Theo(16:05) it’s been a quiet two days…

_(16:07) Yes, sure, what he said_

_(16:07) But also can we circle back to Potter? Who you share a room with_

_(16:07) Although you repeatedly refused a timeshare with me?_

QueenB(16:08): … Do I really need to explain the differences between living in a dormitory and renting a flat in France? AGAIN.

_(16:09) I do not see what the location has to do with anything other than making it the superior choice_

_(16:09) Especially when compared to a nobody you just met_

QueenB(16:10): yeah I am not doing this right now D

QueenB(16:10): also I know Potter. You know Potter. 

_(16:10) I do not know Potter and I bet Theo doesn't either. Right T?_

Theo(16:11) still taking it in… 

QueenB(16:11): D darling Everyone knows Potter

QueenB(16:12): case in point

QueenB(16:12): he literally cracked open a beer and offered it to a gorgeous possibly-IRA-freedom- fighter

QueenB(16:13): and he took it. HE TOOK THE BEER DRACO

_(16:13) sounds awfully common if you ask me_

_(16:14) I don’t see what’s all the fuss_

Theo(16:29) dailyprophet.com/1996/10/31/crime/one-year-old-allegedly-survives-an-horrific-attack-only-to-disappear-without-a-track.html

Theo(16:31) dailyprophet.com/1997/06/26/crime/the-boy-who-lived-first-ever-sighting-location-top-secret.html

Theo(16:34) dailyprophet.com/2007/09/01/world-news/the-boy-who-lived-starts-boarding-school-not-just-a-far-fetched-rumor.html

Theo(16:37) dailyprophet.com/2014/10/13/world-news/breaking-the-barrier-the-boy-who-lived-enrolls-into-top-university.html

Theo(16:37) Read it. Read it now.

***

_(18:26) Is that him in that picture?_


	5. Luna, Sunday, October 16th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Earlier upload, because I can and because the chapters are so breezy I have a few lining up :)

The Lovegoods' home was located exactly four miles south to the Zabinis' estate.

They were next-door neighbors.

Much like the Zabinis, the Lovegoods had a time-honored tradition, passed down through generations; they were the proud founders of The Quibbler.

It had started with the first Lovegood, an author who sought self-publication.

Not many people know it, but The Quibbler was a chief contestant of the Penny Dreadfuls back in the days.

Though it was slightly modified to meet its audience's preferences - its bestselling issue told about an illicit love affair between a barber and a London judge. The barber had been drowning in the obsession to reunite with his soulmate for years! 

Not wanting to quench future generations’ creativity, the rights to The Quibbler highlighted the name rather than its media. It could be, for that matter, a tabloid, a documentary, an essay, or in the case of the youngest Lovegood - a journal.

An electronic journal.

It was really more akin to a blog, but Luna thought that a journal had a nicer ring to it.

The Quibbler (the 2015’s edition), was meant to be a cut-throat account of Luna Lovegood's school life.

However, since Luna went to a top university, and turned out to be quite the dedicated student, she had to take some liberties in order to engage her readers.

Thus, in memory of its founder, the current Quibbler made use of the most lurid, mind-boggling, scandalizing form of literature known in exitance.

Fanfiction.

***

Harry(20:12) It’s a no from me…

(20:16) Don’t be like that _Harry_!

_(20:16) My readers would LOVE to read about you_

_(20:16) All three of them_

_(20:16) And I would make sure to write a long, preemptive “_ _all persons are fictitious” disclaimer!_

Harry(20:20) I already get enough crap from the daily prophet writing about my love life

Harry(20:20) The last thing I need is having Fan art thrown in the mix 

(20:21) You’re seeing someone? I had no idea, how marvelous!

Harry(20:24) NO I DON'T

(20:28) Oh

(20:28) Wouldn’t it be better if someone wrote about you fully admitting the plot was a fiction of their imagination?

Harry(20:30) …

(20:34) And didn’t you like the last piece I wrote about The Genie and The Slumdog?

Harry(20:37) I did not not like it…

(20:37) I’ve just posted chapter 8 :))

***

** The Quibbler  **

Ginger_cookie left the following comment on The Genie and The Slumdog 

*Fanning myself*

Can’t wait for the next update!!

Posted: 2015-10-16 20:08:13

H_Jean left the following comment on The Genie and The Slumdog 

I loved that you made them partners in crime.

That being said, the master-genie relationship is so problematic! Is it intentional? I can’t get over the fact that the Genie doesn’t have free will… 

Posted: 2015-10-16 20:10:32

NotTea replayed to H_Jean

Were it a simple case of romanticization, I’d agree. However, there is censorship in here as well…

I feel like this fic takes the common rich-guy-meet-poor-lady-and-gives-her-a-makeover trope, and dissects it open until we are left with a bitter-sweet story which examines the questionable morals, residing in so many folktales. 

Posted:2015-10-16 20:40:09

Messer_Pottah left the following comment on The Genie and The Slumdog 

It’s hot

Posted:2015-10-16 20:48:57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Penny Dreadfuls were cheap serial literature that was very popular during the 19th century. They mostly depicted horror stories - Sweany Toad had originated from them. Hence, the barber comment.  
> 2\. I tried very hard to come up with a modernized version of The Quibbler and decided that its content and the scrutiny it received reminded me more of Fanfiction than a tabloid - so why not have some fun, eh?  
> 3\. The Genie and The Slumdog is my wonky way of making a Disney reference :)
> 
> Cheers!


	6. Ron, Sunday, October 16th

“IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME IF I COULD FIND A WAYYY!”

The deaf tone singer paraded around the room, clad in black boxers and a golden robe, shaking his bottom.

Ron wasn’t bigotry.

He was not irked by the fact that the boy jiggled his privates while sipping rum as if he was playing both parts in the love affair between a pirate and a Barbosa’s call girl.

But must he have his Netflix on, if he wasn’t even watching? That was just wasteful.

The golden ratio:

ScarnotSimba(21:15) I am so so sorry…

_(21:16) What are we even watching???_

Her Brilliancy(21:16) Gilmore Girls

Her Brilliancy(21:16) Honestly Ron, don’t you pay attention?

ScarnotSimba(21:17) I am so so sorry…

The(bloody) tower:

Blaise(21:21) @mentioned you in a comment: It’s impolite to text in company

Blaise(21:22) @mentioned you in a comment: Making faces is also frowned upon

One of the Patils(21:25) Can you keep the music down? I am trying to study!!

Lavender is better than Vanilla(21:27) or invite us along? I am TIRED of studying!!

Dean Ginny’s ex(21:29) A party in 975? I’ll bring snacks

Blaise(21:31) I like the way you think baby

Blaise(21:31) but no

Blaise(21:31) Ron is watching Gilmore Girls and he is not to be disturbed.

_(21:32) You want a piece of this? I was raised with five older brothers_

Blaise(21:34) Humm I’d love a piece of you anytime darling :ppp

Loony Luna(21:36) I am not a fan of Gilmore girls myself

ScarnotSimba(21:36) Me and Ron don’t like it either 

Her Brilliancy(21:37) So why did he hit replay?

_(21:38) You follow this? How can you write an essay, answer all your messages, and keep track of this stupid show?_

Blaise(21:43) he says stupid but he just hit replay. AGAIN.

Blaise(21:43) he is hooked. 

Roomie(21:45) I’ll watch it with you Ron

Roomie(21:45) If you can find the remote…

Blaise(21:46) The bloody fuck are you? 

_(21:51) You lost it didn’t you?_

Roomie(21:53) …

Roomie(21:53) I swear it was by the telly when I got into the shower!

Blaise(21:55) no seriously who is this???? 

Blaise(21:55) I don’t have your number and I have everyone’s number

_(21:56) He said, whilst gawking at your WhatsApp pic screaming it’s him, it’s him!_

Her brilliancy(21:56) RON!

Looney Luna(21:58) I do think he was playing hard to get

_(21:58) Revenge is sweet_

_***_

Roomie(22:15) Were you having me on in the GC?

_(22:21) He screamed, Neville._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Low key adding tagged characters as I go along. 
> 
> Side note: Blaise was singing the lyrics to a Sher song. 
> 
> Coming up next: the depth of Draco's *research*, reveled at last.


	7. Draco, Friday, October 21st

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THREE WEEKS I have waited to post this little chappie so I am super excited(even if it IS criminally short)!!

Draco went deep.

He had sixteen missed calls in the past week alone. Though, they were mostly from his mom.

And Jeremy - the competent, albeit slightly pushy, health insurance agent.

***

**_Do you know Harry?_ **

_To see what he shares with his friends send him a friend request._

_***_

Snakeskin is designer:

_(12:15) I went deep._

_(12:15) Social media deep_

_(12:15) Did you know he saved a girl? When he was twelve._

_(12:16) And he has a thing for helping strays, there are tons of photos of him with this god awful ginger cat._

_(12:17) Apparently it was abused and has strong misanthropic tendencies._

_(12:17) He also plays football._

Theo(12:26) it says on his profile that he saved a girl? that’s tacky

_(12:29) No, that bit was from the news clippings. I got the rest from some random bird’s profile_

_(12:29) His account is on private…_

_(12:30) Sure knows a lot of people though_

_(12:30) And yet most of them are riffraff_

_(12:30) The only common friend I have with him is B_

QueenB(12:32) Aka the magnificent

QueenB(12:32) Did you friend him?

_(12:39) Are you insane?_

QueenB(12:41) Why not? you are obviously gagging over him

_(12:41) I’ll have you know that I do not gag._

_(12:42) Take that back._

QueenB(12:42) ;)

Theo(12:43) this deteriorated fast.

***

**_Do you know Harry?_ **

_To see what he shares with his friends send him a friend request._

**Add friend.**

***

QueenB(17:38) HAHAHA he just turned to me like “who the bloody hell is called DRACO?”

QueenB(17:39) I told him that you were a socialist trying to prevent him from making friends with the Wrong Sort

QueenB(17:39) He did not take to it very kindly

*You’ve removed QueenB from the group*

***

**_Harry had accepted your friend request_ **

_***_

_*You have added QueenB to the group*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LOVE me some AU references so I could not not write this virtual friendship offer.   
> In my version, Harry accepted :)


	8. Blaise, Thursday, October  27th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEHE, Bonus Points if you spot the not-so-hidden HP reference :)

Sexy not burglar(18:18) Hey, Blaise right? I got your number off of the GC

Sexy not burglar(18:18) Hope that’s okay

Sexy not burglar(18:18) It’s Neville btw

Sexy not burglar(18:19) Ron’s roommate.

_(18:52) The cutie who would not move in with me? Hard to forget._

Sexy not burglar(18:54) Correction, the *bloke* who was already assigned to another room

_(18:52) A cardinal crime. Us good looking folks ought to stick together ;))_

_(18:52) So how can I be of service sweetheart?_

Sexy not burglar(18:53) Ron is having a few people over on Halloween’s Eve… It’s nothing fancy, just some students from the dorm. I wasn’t sure if he extended an invitation or not 

Sexy not burglar (18:53) ~~I can’t really tell if you get along~~ *message deleted*

_(19:00) Sooo you are inviting me to a party?_

Sexy not burglar(19:04) More like a gathering

Sexy not burglar (19:04) With Beers

Sexy not burglar (19:04) And people

Sexy not burglar (19:05) Other people

 _(19:05) Other people?_

Sexy not burglar (19:06) Other than me

_(19:07) So you won’t be there?_

Sexy not burglar (19:07) Are you being difficult on purpose?

_(19:08) I am ;)_

_(19:07) Also, I’d love to come but I can’t_

_(19:08) I have a flight_

Sexy not burglar (19:19) Ahhh sure, no prob

_(19:19) Raincheck? That seems like our thing ;)_

Sexy not burglar(19:20) Huh yeah I guess it is

_(19:21) Keep me company while I wait?_

_(19:21) I have this friend who can redefine anal personality_. _He has to be in the airport like four hours early - what’s up with that?_

Sexy not burglar(19:22) You are at the airport? RN?

_(19:22) Well yes sweety, we need to get to the massages somehow, don’t we?_

_(19:22) Koh Samui awaits no man_

Sexy not burglar(19:26) I thought

Sexy not burglar(19:27) You are going to Thailand?

_(19:31) *img*_

Sexy not burglar(19:32) You’re going to Thailand

_(19:32) Yep. You have my mate D to blame for that. He hates Halloween._

_(19:33) He’s not a fan of people wearing creepy clothes and parading around in masks._

_(19:33) So. Yeah. Thailand._

Sexy not burglar(19:34) Is D the one making you go 4 hours early?

_(19:34) The very one._

_(19:35) Which is silly because we don’t even have to book a flight._

Sexy not burglar(19:36) I’ll probably regret asking this

Sexy not burglar(19:36 ) You don’t?

_(19:37) Lol Nope – My friend T’s family have a plane. I have no idea why we’re here._

_(19:37) Okay that was a lie_

_(19:37 ) It’s because D is hooked on airport chocolate and refuses to admit it._

Sexy not burglar(19:38) You are flying off to Thailand on a private plane?

_(19:45) That is correct…_

Sexy not burglar(19:46 ) Wow. Just wow.

_(19:46) Aww Impressed?_

Sexy not burglar(19:46) Nah, Rome I’d be impressed. Thailand I’m just “Thailand, wow”.

_(19:47) And he watches Gilmore Girls! How will I cope?_

Sexy not burglar(19:47) HA Ron’s been binging it for days. It sorts of sticks with you.

Sexy not burglar(19:48) Don’t tell him I snitched though 

_(19:48) Your secret is safe with me ;)_

_(19:49) So Rome hah? Anywhere else?_

Sexy not burglar(19:51) Paris is good too

_(19:53) Ha D is actually obsessed with Paris_

_(19:53) France in general. He just got back from a two months vacation_

Sexy not burglar(19:49) Sure, how else will he get the airport chocolate?

_(19:56) Urgh don’t remind me._

_(19:56) I nearly got my eye poked out by a massive Toblerone before you texted_

_(19:58) *img*_

_(19:58) How can one bloke even finish all of this?_

Sexy not burglar(20:01) I mean…

_(20:02) !!!_

Sexy not burglar(20: 05) Would it be a bad time to mention that I also like airport chocolate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little intermediate moment, in which Neville is trying his best and Blaise is enjoying the ride.  
> Coming up next? A D-daddy POV which I am SUPER excited about! Why? stay tuned to find out. 
> 
> ***Neville is misquoting Lorelai Gilmore from Gilmore Girls (Season 1, Episode 2), changing China to Thailand. Luckily, Blaise understood him just fine :)


	9. Draco, Monday, October 31st (Time zone: ICT)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People are subscribing for this fic and that's brilliant!  
> Note: this chapter is on ICT time zone (6 hours ahead of GMT)

**Blaise Zabini** added **a photo** **of** you 39 minutes ago

 **Harry Potter** likes a photo you were tagged in 21 minutes ago

 **Harry Potter** commented on a photo you were tagged in 21 minutes ago. 

**Blaise Zabini added a new photo** October 31 at 5:14 PM

No SPF is high enough to prevent a bestie’s BURN – with **Theo Nott** and **Draco Malfoy**

Harry Potter, Thoe Nott and 106 others like this 21 comments

**Theo Nott**

LOL D is so pale SPF doesn’t help him anyway

**Harry Potter**

Patiently waiting for my coconut souvenir

**Blaise Zabini**

**Harry potter** shucks babe they were all out, can I interest you with a LAY instead? ;)

**Hermione Granger**

**Blaise Zabini** Lays are Hawaiian.

**Blaise Zabini**

**Hermione Granger** **Harry Potter** y’all know I don’t discriminate :PP

**Draco Malfoy**

I need a BPF – Bestie. Protection. Factor. Best applied before letting your drunk friends take a close up of you going down on a coconut’s straw ://

**Theo Nott**

**Draco Malfoy** gives a new meaning to the phrase “feel the burn”

Snakeskin is designer

_(17:42) What do you think he meant??_

QueenB(17:43) I think he meant BURN BABY BURN

_(17:45) Not T you incompatible git_

_(17:45) The other him._

QueenB(17:45) I think he meant he wants a coconut for a souvenir?

_(17:45) Precisely._

_(17:45) Don’t you find it a bit odd that after liking a highly *seductive* photo of me (thanks a million B), he decides to abruptly mention his desire for coconuts?_

Theo(17:46) No

QueenB(17:46) dude just wants a coconut D…

_(17:47) Whatever I am not listening to the bloke who just spent an HOUR scrolling for porn. And B, any progress with that Irish freak of yours? No? didn’t think so._

QueenB(17:47) Damn kitten put those claws away

QueenB(17:47) and don’t call him a freak – your skin is too delicate for a second burn.

Theo(17:49) for your information, I am not watching porn. I am reading an online novel.

_(17:49) Does it contain explicit adult content?_

Theo(17:50) Maybe…

_(17:50) Thought so, and B? Got a date yet or are lame one-liners all he’s good for?_

QueenB(17:51) He has a party to organize, he’s busy OKAY?

QueenB(17:51) Or he is taking it slowly

Theo(17:51) Or you are too chicken to text him back?

QueenB(17:52) What-the-bloody-ever I am sooo over it by now.

_(17:53) Case? Rested._

_***_

**Blaise Zabini** added **a photo** **of** you 2 minutes ago.

 **Blaise Zabini added a new photo** October 31 at 5:55 PM

Draco the Sunburned mid-sun-screening. Can you tell where the skin ends and the SPF +50 begins??? 

#neveragain #don’tfuckwithafucker - with **Draco Malfoy**

_***_

**Harry Potter added a new photo** October 31 at 03:18 AM

_RESCUE MISSION: COMPLETED. Check out my homeboy springing some time off from his internship at EVIL &CO - with the BEST costume EVER._

_I need to get me one of those potato sacks ASAP because College be turning all of us into slaves_

_***_

Snakeskin is designer

_(03:20) What the actual fuck?_

QueenB(03:20) I regret NOTHING.

_(03:21) B I don’t have time nor patience to micro-analyze your crazy_

_(03:21) Why the bloody hell didn’t you tell me he knows my family?!?!_

Theo(03:26) can we get some context in here?

_(03:21) The boy-who-lived just uploaded a photo of himself and one of the firms’ interns, so clearly he knows about my family._

QueenB(03:20) Doesn’t mean he knows the firm.

_(03:22) He called it EVIL &CO _

QueenB(03:20) That’s bad. But he never mentioned it? He probably doesn’t even care or he didn’t make the connection

QueenB(03: 26) Most people, they aren’t like us D… They don’t pay attention to firm owners names

QueenB(03:26) Remember that English professor back from Slytherin? He had no idea the Notts owned the daily prophet and he went on and on and on about how corrupt the magazine is and how they were all a bunch of brainless nepotistic maniacs!

_(03:27) Until T was all like “Bitch please.”_

Theo(03:27) He wasn’t wrong though 

_(03:29) That is messed up._

Theo(03:31) tell me about it

Theo(03:31) Whose the intern anyway? Might not be as bad as you think

 _(03:33)_ …

_(03:33) Dobby_

QueenB(03:34) OUCH kiss it and make it better bbe

Theo(03:34) Yeah, he knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hint Hint* Blaise is sooo not over it. 
> 
> Next up? I guess you’ll have to wait for next week and read for yourselves :)


	10. Blaise, Tuesday, November 1st (Time zone: GMT)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming back to UK soil ;)

It was the worst of times, it was the best of times.

It was mid-morning. 

Or was it late afternoon? Bloody hell if Blaise knew. 

From the cab to the dorms he was wide awake. Three steps into his room, however, and he crushed bum first into the sofa. He was caught in a raging war between two cities, and his legs were the sacrificial land offered in the peace settlements.

Thursday, October 27th

Sexy not burglar(20: 05) Would it be a bad time to mention that I also like airport chocolate?

***

Theo(6:34) I go to the loo for one second and you disappear? 

Theo(6:34) Where are you? 

_(6:36) Where do you think?_

Theo(6:37) He’s going to get a stomach ache from all that chocolate

_(6:37) And pimples, god willing. I love it when he gets a pimple._

_***_

Thursday, October 27th

Sexy not burglar(20: 05) Would it be a bad time to mention that I also like airport chocolate?

_***_

Monday, November 1st

The (bloody) tower:

Freckles(01:52) Dear whomever puked in mybathrrom 

Freckles(01:52) Not cool.

***

Thursday, October 27th

Sexy not burglar(20: 05) Would it be a bad time to mention that I also like airport chocolate?

_***_

Saturday, October 29th

Prep is Ace: 

Her(07:32) ~~Please tell me you’ve got McG’s outlines?~~ Message deleted

Her(07:32) Shoot you’re in Thailand. Okay, okay, have fun with the coconuts and ignore that last message - I’ll ask you again when you are back :)

_(8:04) Ask me now Pookie_

Her(08:12) I need the McG’s outlines

 _(8:14) You thought I flew off to another country WITHOUT my laptop?_ That is where the porn lives darling 

Her(08:15) How very lovely

_(08:15) I’ll trade you for intel ;)_

Her(08:16) I do hope you mean the outlines…

(08:16) Whatever floats your boat but first let’s talk room 985, shall we? 

***

Thursday, October 27th

Sexy not burglar(20: 05) Would it be a bad time to mention that I also like airport chocolate?

_***_

Snakeskin is designer:

D-daddy(06:47) Unacceptable 

Theo(06:48) I would like to remind everyone about our privacy rule. That is, scenes and other uncomely outburst are only acceptable when we are in chambers. 

_(06:49) Guilty parties gets 7 spankings. 3 with good behaviour._

Theo(06:51) B shall also hereby withdraw his rights to draft any more friendship laws. For obvious reasons. 

D-daddy (06:52) UNACCEPTABLE.

(06:52) It was just one packet of chocolate D…

D-daddy (06:52) The golden edition. The last one. You stole it. Give it back. 

(6:54) Um, no. 

***

Thursday, October 27th

Sexy not burglar(20: 05) Would it be a bad time to mention that I also like airport chocolate?

_***_

Snakeskin is designer:

Theo(10:45) Everyone got home all right? Good, don’t let me see your faces again until spring. Theo’s out!! 

D-daddy(10:46) Tomorrow at ten-ish? 

Theo(10:48) Yes.

***

Thursday, October 27th

Sexy not burglar(20: 05) Would it be a bad time to mention that I also like airport chocolate?

...

*Calling Sexy not burglar*

“I am a wanker.”

“Whoisdis?” 

“Seriously? how many wankers do you know?” 

“Honestly? A few. “

“Damn sweety now I am all jealous.” 

“Ahh, Blaise?“

“…Incarnation and freshly back in the GMT time zone, so I can personally apologize for my wanking ways.” 

“Wankin’ ways?”

“You know, you look so innocent, but your mind is just FILTHY, how is that possible? “ 

“Ha yeah, I should probably apologize ‘bout that.” 

“Don’t you dare, it’s brilliant.” 

“Yeah?”

 _“_ Yeah _.”_

“…So ye ‘re back.”

“I am back.” 

“Blaise?”

“Humm?”

“Ye ‘r _e_ a wanker.’

“I am. I really am. Did I wake you? “

“Lil’ bit.”

“Damn.”

“ ‘s not so bad.”

“One last question?”

“I’ll allow it.”

“Why is your roommate passed out in my bed?”

“He is? Ha. I guess he and Harry can only be away from each other for so long. ”

“And they left you all by your lonesome? Must be lonely what with that extra empty bed…”

“Nice try.”

“Goodnight Nelson.”

“Who?”

“Look it up.”

“Goodnight wanker.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jet lag limbo and some hardcore text brooding.  
> If this fic ran with regular headlines, this one would undoubtedly be "Blaise Zabini's wankin' ways."
> 
> I wonder if Neville's memory will allow him to look up Nelson? Well, Perhaps a reminder will help... 
> 
> P.S. Jhonsing for the next update? Click the "next chapter", it is here!


	11. Theo, Wednesday, November 2nd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is time to shed some mystery off of our third Slytherin.

In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit…

Or so Theo thought when Draco pulled over by the eastern gate; beyond the metal bar, a high tower shadowed the reddish brick road.

It was an abomination.

He folded the Daily prophet, glaring over his shades. “Remind me again _why_ we came here?”

“A small thing, it’s called our B.A.s degrees,” Draco snorted, closing the driver’s door with a thud. “You might recall slaving over it for the last, oh I don’t know, two years was it?”

“This is a dormitory, not a classroom,” Theo grunted to himself, crumping the newspaper into his black leather bag, the LV monograms a little worse for wear. “And when did all this _slaving over_ happened? Was it when you flew off to Paris or Provence?” 

“Somewhere in between.” Draco huffed and seeing his friend made no move for the door, snapped his fingers in that hurried time-is-money manner that Theo only associated with two people – Draco, and his dad.

Neither aroused the desired effect. He actually drew great satisfaction from submerging into a more languid pace.

It drove both his father and his friend bonkers.

Which is how Theo got pulled from the safe haven of the car and man-handled through the open gate. “We have a brunch date with B, and you know how fussy he gets when we don’t feed him after a flight.”

“You never told me it was in _his dorm_.” Theo objected,” I would not have come if I knew it was in a dorm.”

One of Draco’s hands was planted firmly on his back, pressuring his every step, while the other balanced a crate of steaming hot coffee and a bag of Blaise’s favorite cream & onions bagels. 

Something smelled fishy, and it wasn’t the onions.

It hit him when Draco removed his hand to rearrange his hair.

Draco never rearranges his hair.

Draco’s hair was perfect. 

“Oh bloody hell D! Is it the Potter bloke? It is, isn’t it?” 

Sometimes, his friends made him jonesing for a cigarette.

Theo hadn’t smoked a day in his life.

“I need to do some damage control, if you are going to be a _baby_ about it, just wait here.”

Jaw-wide, Theo was thus stranded on the steps to the high tower, with no coffee, no bagels and no cigarette.

Perhaps he should give Yoga a go.

PING.

**_ The Quibbler  _ **

**_Luna Lovegood_** posted a new story called **_Hogwarts: a history_**

Fandom: Celebrities

Ratings: Explicit 

Warnings: Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings 

Relationships: Harry Potter/ Original male character, other/background relationships

Characters: Harry Potter 

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Crime, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, College life, Romance, not slow burn, they get down to it real fast, it’s all made-up though, don’t harass HP, It’s not real at all, I swear, scots honour, Don’t get me sued okay??? 

Summary: 

Harry Potter swore up and down that college would be a fresh start. No more tabloids, no more scandals and most importantly, no more waking up in crime scenes and hospital beds unable to explain how and why he got there. 

He grasped this mantra like a dolphin seeking air - and damn if he wasn’t smashing it!

For three days. 

Three days before a picture of a snake tattoo popped up on his Facebook page. The blond attached to it wasn’t exactly heavy on the eyes either…

Interesting. Very interesting. Theo already situated himself against the ivy-covered wall. Sleep-deprived students blurred passed him; across the lawns, running down the steps, driving their cars. 

PING. PING. PING. PING. PING.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A rare chapter as there were NO texts, but, oh, the promises... 
> 
> Stay tuned for the next chapter also known as - what happened after Draco crossed the threshold. 
> 
> Ta!


	12. Draco, Wednesday, November 2nd

_(10:12) Who is the ginger?_

QueenB(10:12) You’ve meet Freckles?

_(10:13) It’s staring at me._

_(10:13) And he won’t let me into your room_

_(10:13) Which you’re not in._

_(10:13) Why are you not in?_

QueenB(10:14) How can you tell if he won’t let you in?

(10:14) I brought coffee and bagels - If you were in I’d be in.

QueenB(10:14) You know me so well <3

_(10:15) I am the best._

QueenB(10:15) Easy there Narcissus

QueenB(10:15) The best would know my room number.

(10:16) …Come again?

QueenB(10:16) You’re at 985. I am at 975. Waiting for my Coffee. And Bagels.

QueenB(10:16) D?

(10:17) I think I just saw your roommate.

QueenB(10:17) Yeah he migrates there sometimes… where are we on my coffee?

(10:17) He showers in here as well? I see a towel.

(10:17) And skin.

QueenB(10:18) I don’t like where this is going.

_(10:18) No it’s perfect they’re letting me in._

QueenB(10:19) Did you

QueenB(10:19) Did you just give away my coffee?

_(10:21) Give me some credit_

_(10:21) I exchanged it_

QueenB(10:22) They just… let you in for caffeine?

_(10:23) And bagels._

QueenB(10:23) you gave away my BAGELS?

QueenB(10:24) Not cool D. Not cool. I am coming over and there better be one coffee and one bagel left.

_(10:24) Brilliant. That way I get to stay._

_(10:24) This place is a mess by the way. I hope you get a cleanup service in here once in a while._

QueenB(10:25) I have been known to dress up as a maid on occasion, does that count?

_(10:25) Hardly._

_(10:25) They are eating the bagels and now they seem suspicious again. Where are you?_

_(10:26) Oh goody you’re here._

_(10:26) Close your mouth will you? it’s unbecoming._

_(10:16) Or your nightgown, dealer's choice._

_(10:26) Is that my avocado-kiwi mask by the way? I’d like to get that back, thank you._

_Snakeskin is designer:_

_(10:28) B is making spluttering noises. It’s all very undignified. Help me mock him._

_Theo(10:28) Shouldn’t you be focusing on your chosen one?_

_(10:29) He is snobbishly whispering with his friends. Conspiring._

_(10:29) Giving me serious eyes though, tres sexy. Very…green._

Theo(10:29) FriendS? How many brutes are sharing that room?!

Queen B(10:30) Only two. Just Freckles and THE BLOKE I’VE BEEN EXCLUSIVELY SHAGGING IN MY DREAMS.

Queen B(10:30) No biggie. 

(10:31) No reason to get your knickers in a twist, you rebounded didn’t you?

(10:31) I mean, I’ve seen Pizza Hut's trays less greasy than that wink.

Theo(10:31) You eat Pizza Hut?

_(10:32) Seen, I wrote seen. Pay attention will you?_

Theo(10:32) I am trying me best not to actually.

Theo(10:35) Forget what I said, did I just see D hijack a newspaper stand?

_(10:35) Desperate times. I needed a disguise. Pay the poor bloke for me? ta!_

Theo(10:35) No really I am going to need a summary. 

Theo(10:36) Annnd he’s gone.

QueenB (10:38) Harry blew him off.

Theo(10:39) So now he’s stalking him?

(10:41) For your information he did not blow me off, he had a class to attend to and as it happens so do I.

QueenB(10:45) Plausible deniability. Smart. I like it.

_(11:19) Quick question._

_(11:19) What is Harry Potter doing skulking outside the law library?_

_(11:19) He said he had a class. That’s not a class and he is certainly not a law student._

Queen B(11:23) you sure about that?

_(11:23) Don’t toy with me Blaise Zabini, if he was a law student he would have asked you about my family._

QueenB(11:24) To-sha Draco dearest. Why not ask him?

_(11:24) I’ve established a secure location I’d rather not compromise at the moment._

QueenB(11:25) Please tell me you’re crouching behind that godawful Ficus next to the fire exit.

_(11:25) It’s a Rubber you rascal._

_(11:25) A girl has come out._

QueenB(11:26) I bet she is his lover.

_(11:26) They’re talking. She gave him a book. I think._

_(11:26) Yeah definitely a book._

QueenB(11:27) The Kamasutra ;))

_(11:27) What have I ever done to you?_

QueenB (11:27) Is she pretty?

_(11:28) I hate you._

QueenB(11:28) Brunette? Curls? Dentist-like smile? Preppy flair? The type of beauty that falls in love with a beast and turns it into a prince? 

_(11:29) That got oddly specific really fast_

QueenB(11:29) Yeah that’s his bestie, the female edition. 

QueenB(11:29) So, not boning. 

QueenB(11:29) Probably.

_(11:29) Why would he say he’s going to class though?_

QueenB(11:30) He probably didn’t like you and was trying to be polite.

QueenB(11:30) He’s nice like that.

_(11:30) That was what I was trying to rectify when he so rudely brushed me off!!_

_(11:30) He’s on the move._

_(11:31) He’s at the coffee cart. Two cups._

_(11:31) What the hell he barely sipped my much superior coffee._

QueenB(11:31) He doesn’t dig the fancy stuff. He likes it strong and black ;p

QueenB(11:31) He is also big on privacy. FYI.

_(11:32) Interesting…_

_(11:32) He just handed an older bloke one of the cups._

QueenB(11:32) Must be his sugar daddy.

_(11:34) No way he looks sketchy as hell._

QueenB(11:34) Are they trading something?

_(11:34) Pleasantries, for now._

QueenB(11:34) Doesn’t sound very sketchy to me.

_(11:35) He is wearing a tweed vest. It’s sketchy alright?_

Queen B (11:35) Ahhh hot for teacher then. Yet another classic.

_(11:35) How long are you going to keep doing that?_

QueenB(11;35) That last one was from Neville.

 _(11:36)_ You told dream shag bloke?!?!

QueenB(11:36) He’s been very committed to your tailing efforts since you mentioned the Rubber. 

QueenB(11:36) Didn’t tell him who you’re tailing tho 

_(11:37) Good._

QueenB(11:37) He said Harry should know better than to sneak around and lie about it.

_(11:37) Blaise!_

QueenB(11:38) What? he guessed it.

QueenB(11:38) Promised not to say anything - see? committed.

QueenB(11:38) Well go on love, don’t keep us waiting. What Harry’s up to now?

_(11:39) He’s on the phone._

QueenB(11:39) awww yelling?

_(11:40) Whispering._

_(11:40) Something about a shipment?_

_(11:41) And a…dragon? That can’t be true._

_(11:42) Damn it I have class in fifteen minutes._

QueenB(11:43) Well that’s anticlimactic.

_(11:43) Is Theo still hanging around near the dorms?_

QueenB(11:43) …

Snakeskin s designer:

Theo(13:17) Why am I, an accomplished Journalism and English student, have to sit through a criminal justice class? 

_(13:23) Your love of knowledge._

_(13:23) What’s he doing?_

Theo(13:25) Yawning.

Theo(13:25) A riveting watch that one.

_(13:28) Just keep me updated if he does anything dodgy._

_(13:28) I’ll come swap you after my next class._

Theo(13:29) He wears Blundstones. That’s pretty shady.

_(13:29) Not where I was going with this…_

Theo (13:31) Where were you going with this? 

QueenB(13:33) Jail.

Theo(13:35) Shite he saw me

_(13:35) What????_

Theo(13:36) He looked around and frowned at me

Theo(13:36) Okay okay he’s back to yawning again

Theo(13:36) Annnd now he’s gone. Exited. With his stuff. He definitely saw me.

_(13:36) Follow him_

Theo(13:37) He’s at the men room.

Theo(13:37) That’s my limit.

_(13:38) Update when he comes out then_

QueenB(13:39) IF he comes out

_(13:39) T?_

Theo(13:43) *img*

_(13:44) He climbed out the window???_

_(13:44) Theodore?!_

Theo(13:45) Hang on, I am searching for yoga instructors.

***

QueenB(18:52) D darling

QueenB(18:52) Something you need to tell me?

_(18:56) tailing didn’t work for me, so I switched tactics_

QueenB(18:56) Aha. And the suitcase is for?

_(18:57) We are having a slumber party. Get the avocado-kiwi mask ready._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's fair to say that obsession (and the stalking thereof) is a staple - Drarry in the books AND fanfiction.  
> This chapter attempted to explore this via Draco's POV. 
> 
> But, you know, don't go stalking your crushes ;)
> 
> **Comments and kudos help D-daddy scheme better**
> 
> Ta!


	13. Ron, Wednesday, November 2nd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's review the trio's pov, shall we?

He was only there for the book. It had the burner phone inside it.

He wasn’t sure why the futons were out. Or why Neville tagged along. He _really_ wasn’t sure why there was a blond bloke with cucumbers over his eyes sipping a Bloody Mary from a spiraled straw.

He was, though, _principally_ unwilling to ponder the ramifications of seeing his little sister clipping rollers into Blaise Zabini’s hair.

The golden ratio:

_(22:49) I am here. It appears you have company._

ScarnotSimba(22:49) I do?

_(22:49) Ginny, Luna, all the birds from our floor and some blond bloke. I think Blaise is running an underground beauty parlour in here._

Her_ brilliancy(22:51) Aha.

Her_ brilliancy(22:51) ALL the “birds” are there, are they?

ScarnotSimba(22:52) … I am sure he meant all the OTHER birds

ScarnotSimba(22:52) WOMEN.

ScarnotSimba(22:52) RESPECTABLE women.

_(22:53) What are you guys on about?_

ScarnotSimba(22:53) Nevermind that, Blaise is having some friends over - did you get the book?

_(22:54) What book?_

ScarbotSimba(22:54) RON

_(22:54) Oh right, where is it again?_

ScarnotSimba(22:54) Nightstand next to my bed

_(22:55) Right, right, got it_

_(22:55) Btw are Blaise and Neville…friendly or something?_

ScarnotSimba(22:56) Idk maybe?

_(22:56) He greeted us at the door and hugged us._

_(22:56) and Neville brought tones of veggies_

Her_brilliancy(22:58) Sure. They are “Friendly”.

_(22:58) Oh god they are making face masks_

_(22:59) Wait what?_

Her_brillancy(23:03) Oh honestly must I spell it out for you?

_(23:03) Will you? Neville just told a pineapple joke_

_(23:03) And Blaise laughed, but it wasn’t funny._

Scarnotsimba(23:04) The book Ron get the book

_(23:04) Relax I already got the phone. Couldn’t find a better storage place though? I looked right dodgy with my nose in that book._

Her_brillancy(23:04) Maybe if you read more it wouldn’t look so dodgy.

_(23:05) Maybe Harry shouldn’t have left the phone behind in the first place._

ScarnotSimba(23:05) Don’t drag me into your fights please :)

_(23:05) What fight?_

ScarnotSimba(23:06) ER

ScarnotSimba(23:06) So did we get a replay or what?

_(23:06) Yeah, we got the OK. One hour, the parking lot behind the astronomy tower._

_(23:06) Good riddance if you ask me. The sooner we ditch that thing the better._

Her_brillancy(23:07) Are you still fussing about your leg?

_(23:07) It bloody well hurt!_

ScarnotSimba(23:08) He’s right you know. It was nasty

Her_brilliancy(23:08) Boys the both of you

Her_brilliancy(23:09) Am I going to the drop by myself?

ScarnotSimba(23:09) Of course not, we need at least two people carrying the…thing.

_(23:08) Three_

ScarnotSimbe(23:08) Okay but are you still in my room?

_(23:08) Yeah I am just waiting for this wanker to give me back my phone._

ScarnotSimba(23:09) Than I don’t see you making it to the studio in time. 

Her_brilliancy(23:09) What do you mean you are waiting for YOUR phone?

_(23:10) He asked if he could make a call, wouldn’t shut up about it either so I gave up, why?_

Her_brilliancy(23:10) YOU are using YOUR phone. Right now. 

_(23:11) So?_

_(23:11) Shite_

_(23:11) Guys I reckon I must have given him the burner!_

ScarnotSimba(23:12) RON!!!

_(23:12) I got confused ok? Look he gave it back, so all is well._

Her_brillancy(23:13) Oh god what do we do now? call the whole thing off?

ScarnotSimba(23:13) NO! The drop needs to happen tonight. Now more than ever. I can see Hermione, Ron, can you make sure the bloke is occupied? Just in case

_(23:15) He went out_

_(23:15) Bollocks you think he saw the text?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Intrigued? So is Draco.


	14. Draco, Thursday , November 3rd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had a bit of a mixup with the days of the last chapters - it should make more sense now :)

Draco wished he never saw that text. Maybe then he would not be freezing in his car at ten past midnight.

Well. At least he grabbed another Bloody Marry.

He chewed on the spiraled straw - the massage said the “drop” would happen at midnight. By now, he was fairly certain on three points. 

  1. The “Dragon” being delivered was a new form of narcotics.
  2. Potter was either a drug lord or a drug mule.
  3. None of the parties involved were profoundly punctual.



Draco sipped the spicy-tomato drink. Waiting.

On second thought, the shadows surrounding that black SUV _were_ oddly reminiscent of two people struggling with a very short, and a very ugly, child.

He narrowed his eyes. The shadows were arguing.

Theo(0:14) Tell me if there’s anything worth printing

_(0:15) If there isn’t, I’m sure your reporters would find a way to fill in the blanks_

Theo(0:15) Creativity sells.

Theo(0:16) It has been a while since we had a proper crime scandal though

(0:16) ~~stop by the firm, you’ll have field day~~ *message deleted*

_(0:16) All those death row cases we won for you weren’t enough?_

Theo(0:17) I said crime scandals, not PR gibber gabber

Theo(0: 17) A real exposé

_(0:18) So, clandestine meetings with informants and bad coffee?_

Theo(0:18) and a bulletin board. I must have a bulletin board. 

_(0:18) Need I remind you that those stories never sell?_

_(0:18) Daddy Nott would have a fit_

Theo(0:19) Perks of the trade

_(0:19) You also can’t pull off a black americano_

Theo(0:19) I don’t think the bad coffee is a must…

Theo(0:19) Are the shadows still there?

Draco squinted. The shadows were gone. Then he screamed.

His phone rang and _someone_ (Blaise) set his ringtone to a gunshot.

Taking a long, much needed, breath Draco swiveled the salary stick, watching as unidentified digits flashed and disappeared.

BOOM. 

This is better not be his health insurance company. 

“Hullo,”

“What is it? I am in the middle of a stakeout.”

_Were those bushes, or people behind that motorcycle?_

“T-you are?”

“Yes. I do not need a better life insurance. Ta!”

_Bushes. Definitely bushes._

BOOM.

“ _What_?”

“Hullo. “

“Not. Now.”

The nerve of some people. Draco did three full mental tusks while muting his phone. Luckily, Potter was still late, because all that noise was bound to alarm even the most obtuse individual.

BRRR. BRRR. BRRR.

“Hullo again.”

“Are you a rejection junkie?” 

“Nah, d’you usually get salesmen calling you this late? “

“Excuse me?”

“You said you didn’t want life insurance.”

“…You’re not Jeremy the persistent insurance agent, are you?”

“No, but he sounds interesting. Calling you in the middle of the night a lot? “

“Are you a serial killer?”

“No?”

“Then why are you calling me, in the middle of the night as you so eloquently said, in a stranded parking lot?”

“You’re in a stranded parking lot?”

“…No.”

“You totally are.”

“I’ll have you know I am in my kitchen, making toast.”

“Then why would you think I’m a serial killer?”

“…”

“More importantly, what are you doing giving a supposed serial killer your local?”

“I did no such thing. Take that back”

“You just told me you were in your kitchen making toast.”

“I lied. _Obviously_.”

“Then you _are_ on a stakeout, in a stranded parking lot?”

“I- WHO IS THIS?”

“The bloke you’ve been stalking. You missed the drop. Texting. Two-timing Jeremy are we?”

“N-so you _admit_ there’s a drop?”

“An exchange had been made. Why were you stalking me?”

“Malfoys do not _stalk_. We…Observe. “

“ ’s that your last name? ‘s nice.”

“I - thank you. “

“You're welcome. Why were you stalking me?”

Draco paused, licking his lips. It had occurred to him, trying to suck the last drops of salty vodka as he was, that he could not possibly use his car to go back to Blaise’s Dorms. Not if he was hallucinating Harry Potter’s voice.

_(0:26) SOS. Rescue needed._

“Why are you talking to me?”

“I have a thing for nosy blonds. Your turn.”

“You’re a drug lord. “

“You’re talking with me because you think I am a drug lord?”

“Nooo, I am stalki- _observing_ you because you are a drug lord.”

“Shame. I was hoping you have a thing for dangerous brunettes.”

‘Really?”

“Humph, NO. Also, I am not a drug lord. “

“Drug mule is infinitely _less_ sexy.”

“Not that either. “

“L-I-A-R. I did the math; I know about the _dragon._ “

“It’s more of a Gargoyle, actually.”

“What is?”

“The statue.”

“Is that where the drugs were stashed?”

“There were no drugs Malfoy.”

“Doesn’t sound like a very good drug mule.”

“There _were_ no drugs. Go home Malfoy.”

“I am waiting for my friend to pick me up.”

“You’re _in_ your car.”

“Yes, finishing my third Bloody Mary.”

“You’ve been drinking on a stakeout?”

“Might as well wait in style. Are you trying to distract me from the drugs?”

“That’s cute. Why are you obsessed with the drugs? Are you a journalist? “

“Malfoys are not _obsessed_ , much like we do not _stalk.”_

“Yeah, Yeah, heard you the first time. What then? You are too posh to be a cop. Solicitor?”

“I am an International Relations student… Are you pumping me for information?”

“Humph, a bloke can’t be too careful, Malfoy. You’re going to stop _observing_ me, yeah?”

“…What was in that Gargoyle?”

Close by, a motorcycle rushed around parked lumps of metal.

At sixteen, Draco mocked his friend’s poor choice of transportation. How very _crude_. It was thereby explained to him, with no little derision, that a gentleman, a _true_ gentleman, should not be seen driving himself unless he was in a dire, justifiable hurry.

In which case, why waste time on BMW’s when you can ride a Firebolt?

The motorcycle came to a stop.

“Is that your friend? You should go.”

“What was in that Gargoyle?”

“ _Goodbye_ Malfoy.”

“Oh. And Malfoy?”

“A stakeout is infinitely sexier than a plant.”

***

A Post-It note was sticking loosely from his forehead. 

_“100 Hart Road. Quirrell.”_

Clutching the offending piece of paper, Draco stretched in the familiar white bed settings.

If he turned to his left, he would find a low, rectangular, French wooden stool. It would carry both a Snake Plant and a singular glass of water.

(French, because Draco adored France).

To his right, an unsheltered, triple-paned window drenched him in light.

(Tripled-paned, because Blaise claimed every man must have at least one threesome before he died).

Once, on a bender, B admitted he only ever got mind-bogglingly sloshed when he craved waking up to decadent woods and the smell of rich maple. Draco hummed his agreement and they _both_ ordered another round, using the napkins that came with their order to negotiate who would take the left side of the bed. 

This time, however, Draco was alone when he chased the telltale maple scent. “What’s a Quirrell?” he grouched, entering the kitchen and crumpling the rude note into his friend’s island.

Today breakfast was French Toast. Albeit, when his friend served it, it was called a “Banana-Hazelnut Pain Perdu”. 

“Gallery Owner. “ Theo smirked over his shoulder, two coffee mugs at hand. 

It was French - pressed.

Meeting a quizzical silent, Theo eyebrows rose behind his mug, “the last known person who dealt with your little Gargoyle.“ He explained, pushing a discarded laptop over the counter.

It presented the picture of the foulest statue Draco had ever seen; black, and hunched, it’s face deformed into a cutting sneer and a furling nose.

“This priceless gem was reported stolen earlier that summer,” Draco read out loud, “So Quirrell is an art smuggler?”

“Probably. My art guy said they passed words about a ‘priceless dragon’ just last month. Nearly coaxed him into buying it, too.”

Of course Theo Nott had an art guy. Theo had a guy for everything; a wine guy, a motorcycles guy, a phone guy, a decorating guy, at some point Blaise outright asked him if he had a shagging - guy. 

“It would have completed your sitting room beautifully.” Draco drawled, scrolling down to read the rest of the article; having the daily prophet’s search engine at your disposal was awfully convenient.

“The police had yet to yield viable suspects… the art community can not put a price on such a lost…Experts estimate it to be worth approximately sixteen million pounds. Sixteen _million_ pounds? For that _farce_?”

Theo shrugged, “it’s Norwegian.”

“Wonder if he knew…” Draco mused, starting on the sinful breakfast. To this day, he had no idea whether his friend actually made the dishes he served or simply ordered them.

He probably had a food - ordering guy. 

Hard to tell.

It was always ready when Draco woke up.

Itching, Draco’s free hand began to search for his phone. Just to check if B left any messages, mind. And _maybe_ his mom. He did not hold any misguided, romantic notions that suggested somebody _else_ might have texted.

When you expected _those_ kinds of texts they never happened.

Tight-lipped, his friend indicated the device - no texts from unidentified numbers.

Not that he was waiting for a text.

Still not waiting. 

Still not waiting.

Still not waiting.

“You’re glaring.”

“I am _not!”_

Sniffing pointedly, Draco checked the incoming call box. He supposed it _would_ be the easiest way to receive his answers. Going straight to the source.

It was not obsessing or stalking or any such rubbish.

_(9:54) Are you an illegal art dealer?_

Immediately putting down the phone (in a manner befitting someone entertaining little to no expectations of a replay), Draco indulged in a few more chewy bites before asking the question that weighed on his mind, ever since he stumbled in last night.

“T?”

“Yes?”

“Why do you have a yoga mat in your living room?”

His friend glanced guiltily at the new, emerald - green addition to his flat.

“I am trying something out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, those Draco chapters keep getting longer and longer, eh?  
> It was also the first time Draco got a substantial amount of mixed media! Not sure if there would be many of those, but what can I say? I have a soft spot for Drarry – Don’t we all? 
> 
> Kudos and comments keep Harry in a responding mood ~~


	15. Blaise, Saturday, November 5th

They called it the Slug Horn. A call to serve. A warning of the war to come.

Mostly, against Theo’s living arrangement.

There was only one applicable excuse to sound the Slug Horn.

Slugs.

To be precise, boys acting like slugs.

Mostly, Draco’s boys.

On this specific occasion, Harry.

_(19:20) 20 million?_

Sexy not burglar(19:21) No

_(19:21) 25?_

Sexy not burglar(19:21) No

_(19:22) An open check?_

_(19:22) A questionable favour?_

_(19:22) An endless supply of organically groomed Guavas?_

Sexy not burglar(19:22) Stop offering bribes!!

Sexy not burglar(19:22) Also do you actually have the Guavas?

_(19:24) The millions you’re good with, but the Guavas give you pause?_

Sexy not burglar(19:24) It’s oddly specific.

_(19:24) I am angling for another sleepover Nelson, you make a killer facial ;)_

Sexy not burglar(19:25) Are you ever going to tell me what that name stands for?

_(19:25) Get me out of here and you have yourself a deal sweety_

Sexy not burglar(19:25) NO!

Sexy not burglar(19:25) Go be with your friends you crybaby. It can’t be THAT bad.

_(19:27) You’ve clearly never witnessed a battle of will between D and The Dread of The Double Text._

Sexy not burglar(19:27) Poor thing :(

_(19:28) THANK YOU_

Sexy not burglar(19:28) Ha I meant D.

_(19:28) Traitor_

Sexy Not burglar(19:28) :)

Sexy not burglar(20:37) So I’ve checked, and there are no important Nelsons on campus

_(20:54) Important?_

Sexy not burglar(20:54) Notoriously famous enough to merit a nickname.

_(20:55) Well, I could have told you that, seeing as I am probably rooming with the only student who earned that title._

Sexy not burglar(20:56) You are not exactly a wallflower yourself mister!

_(20:59) Aww, has someone been asking about me? Don’t believe everything you hear though, most of those stories originated around the time T went through his low fat, low sugar, low taste phase..._

_(20:59) AKA The Dark Period._

Sexy not burglar(21:02) Ha not exactly - Ron’s sort of been volunteering random information ever since Thursday…

Sexy not burglar(21:02) And I don’t.

Sexy not burglar(21:02) Believe everything that is.

_(21:03) Much obliged sweety._

_(21:03) Just out of curiosity though, what has old Freckles been spouting on?_

Sexy not burglar(21:03) Well, evidently you are a law student.

_(21:03) That is correct._

Sexy not burglar(21:04) You are interested in becoming a defence attorney.

_(21:04) Also accurate. And a bit of yawn, skip to the juicy bits ;)_

Sexy not burglar(21:06) … No, I think I’ll pass. 

_(21:08) Come on, if you won’t tell me, how can I refute it and save my fragile reputation?_

Sexy not burglar(21:08) You don’t have to?

_(21:08) Are we finally hitting the parts you don’t believe in?_

Sexy not burglar(21:10) The parts I shouldn’t be hearing about second - hand

_(21:10) Oh?_

Sexy not burglar(21:10) Not that I would necessarily hear it otherwise!

Sexy not burglar(21:10) We hardly know each other yet

_(21:11) Yet?_

Sexy not burglar(21:11) ER I wasn’t implying that we WILL know each other

_(21:11) Won’t we?_

Sexy not burglar(21:11) NO

Sexy not burglar(21:11) YES

Sexy not burglar(21:11) We will.

Sexy not burglar(21:12) I am hoping we will.

Sexy not burglar(21:12) I am putting my foot in my mouth, aren’t I? 

_(21:13) Some people are into that ;)_

Sexy not burglar(21:13) OMG

_(21:14) Hahaha I am just messing with you Nelson_

Sexy not burglar(21:14) You’re so mean…

_(21:14) That would be another correct evaluation. Does it bother you?_

Sexy not burglar(21:15)… Not as much as it should.

_(21:15) For what it’s worth, I am hoping we will too._

_(21:15) Get to know each other better ;)_

Sexy not burglar(21:16) Is that another innuendo?

_(21:16) No filthy Mcfilthelson._

_(21:16) Okay, I AM interested in getting to know you *better* (wink wink), but I would also like to actually KNOW you. And for you to know ME. Preferably the non-rumoured variety, so if you have any questions…_

Sexy not burglar(21:17) Fine, but for the record you have the right to remain silent. 

_(21:17) Aye, Aye officer Nelson ;)_

Sexy not burglar(21:17) You’re incorrigible. 

Sexy not burglar(21:18) Okay, you come from “old” money despite living in the dorm, which I sort of guessed.

_(21:18) You did?_

Sexy not burglar(21:18) The Money part, not the old part. I have no idea what this means.

Sexy not burglar(21:19) Your friend has a private jet so, yeah, not that surprising. Also, you’ve recently offered me an open check and/or millions of pounds due to your drama queen’s tendencies.

_(21:19) Fair enough, continue._

Sexy not burglar(21:20) You… enjoy having company.

_(21:20) I am sensing a gentle rephrase._

Sexy not burglar(21:22) Ron’s exact words were that you “like to entertain. A lot.”

Sexy not burglar(21:22) I reckon he meant you’re the party room? Like, you always seem to have music on, and people coming in and out at all hours, stuff like that.

Sexy not burglar(21:23) I was told that you have the power to manifest a study group into a full-on campus’ Aspirin-shortage-crisis.

_(21:24) Lol that is a gross exaggeration._

Sexy not burglar(21:24) Is it?

_(21:24) You sound sceptic_

Sexy not burglar(21:25) I may or may not have heard that from other sources as well. Such as the birds from our dorms. When you had the entire floor over. For facials. And Bloody Marys.

_(21:25) I am a lot more introverted than you make me out to be. Thursday was a special occasion and the study group story is a myth - I study at the library :)_

_(21:25) Or at T’s, if I am feeling peckish. The service here is top-notch._

Sexy not burglar(21:26) So you never had a three days party which included a bolted shut door? 

_(21:26) Hehe NO._

_(21:26) Although…_

_(21:26) I like to leave my music on very loudly when I squander at T’s. It keeps my room in a “lived in” atmosphere. Plus, it reminds people of my greatness while I’m away._

_(21:26) Keeps the legends alive etc etc._

Sexy not burglar(21:27) That is MEAN. 

_(21:29) Um excuse you, it’s part of a highly efficient anti-burglars system I have going on._

Sexy not burglar(21:29) You live in a dorm, who would want to rob you?

_(21:31) HAHA right_

_(21:31) Anything else?_

Sexy not burglar(21:32) Nothing

_(21:32) Liar_

Sexy not burglar(21:32) How’s D doing? Got a text back yet?

_(21:32) Smooth._

_(21:33) And no, he did, however, threw an ornamental pear at me._

Sexy not burglar(21:33) What did you do?

_(21:34) NOTHING._

_(21:34) He is just jealous because I am texting a cute bloke that deigns to respond, while he’s off mooning over a troll that can’t figure out how to work a phone._

Sexy not burglar(21:35) Am I the cute bloke?

_(21:35) Yes, yes you are Nelson._

_(21:35) Shite he aiming to hit! Quick, help!_

Sexy not burglar(21:36) Gather the pears and throw them back at him.

_(21:37) You are not going to gallantry offer your body for my protection?_

Sexy not burglar(21:37) I’d rather you use T’s tbh

_(21:37) Sneaky, I approve._

_(21:39) It backfired! Maiden, Maiden! T’s in on it!_

Sexy not burglar(21:39) Damn, I did not see that one coming.

Sexy not burglar(21:40) Retreat to the foxhole?

_(21:41) Kinky._

_(21:41) Okay, I am in positions behind the couch. Awaiting further commands._

Sexy not burglar(21:41) Haha Kinky.

_(21:41) !!!_

_(21:42) They are going for the wine cabinet. I am honestly getting worried here._

_(21:42) Nevermind, D turned against T and is now criticizing his Pinot Noir selection. Can’t even commit to a decent battle, the git._

Sexy not burglar(21:43) Shame, it was just getting interesting too. 

_(21:43) Your concern for my well-being is touching._

Sexy not burglar(21:44) Oh, I meant for the couch ;)

(21:45) Hurmgha;;kakdmkds

_(21:48) Hehe sorry it was a sneak attack_

_(21:48) D tried to snag my phone._

Sexy not burglar(21:50) I have been sort of hogging you…

_(21:50) Nonsense, your military insights were crucial for my survival._

Sexy not burglar(21:50) Do I get a medal?

_(21:51) You have the profound satisfaction that comes from great acts of heroism_

_(21:51) or so I’ve been told._

Sexy not burglar(21:52) I’d rather have the medal.

_(21:52) I may be able to swing you a participation prize..._

Sexy not burglar(21:53) Ha I’ll take it :)

Sexy not burglar(21:53) Can my prize be that you’ll tell me about the Nelson thingy?

_(21:53) Nice try, Nelson._

_(21:54) What are your feelings on airport chocolate?_

_(21:54) REAL airport chocolate._

Sexy not burglar (21:56) *Real* airport chocolate?

_(21:56) The kind that comes in a wrap._

Sexy not burglar(21:57) …

_(21:58) NELSON_

_(21:58) The candy NOT the… metaphor._

Sexy not burglar(21:58) Ha I’m just messing with you too :))

Sexy not burglar(21:59) I really do love airport chocolate. 

Snakeskin is designer:

Theo(22:01) Amazing

_(22:01) You are overreacting bbe_

D-daddy(22:01) It creeps me out,

D-daddy(22:01) Stop it.

_(22:02) It’s an involuntary natural reaction OKAY?_

Theo(22:03) I never knew your face could do that.

_(22:04) You have seen me smile before…_

Theo(22:05) the blushing is brand new and leering doesn’t count.

_(22:05) GOOD cause I went a bit overboard on my trip back. I now own wayyy more chocolate than I could ever hope to consume._

Sexy not burglar(22:10) I am sure I can find it in me to help you out :)

Sexy not burglar(22:10) What about D though? I thought he loves the stuff.

_(22:12) Oh he does - why do you think I bought it in the first place? Insert evil laugh here, sweety._

Sexy not burglar(22:12) You bought chocolate JUST so your friend won’t have it???

(22:12) ~~And, you know, for you.~~ *message deleted*

_(22:13) I am a self-proclaimed wanker, remember?_

Sexy not burglar(22:!4) Wow. No wonder he throws the décor at you…

_(22:14) Nah, he calmed down once I told him I am extracting valuable intel regarding a certain troll. You are being very difficult by the way and I am getting nowhere despite my best efforts._

Sexy not burglar(22:15) But you are working hard at it and that’s what counts!

_(22:16) Precisely ;)_

_(12:18) Actually…_

_(22:18) It WOULD speed things along if you could tell me what’s Potter been up to the night of the sleepover…_

Sexy not burglar(22:19) Tough luck, if Harry’s the bloke who has been ignoring D, you lot have as much of a chance figuring out his moves as I have. 

_(22:19) Worth a shot._

Sexy not burglar(22:22) Do I still get the chocolate?

_(22:22) Of course._

_(22:23) It already has your name on it, Nelson ;p_

Sexy not burglar(22:23) I am going to ignore that snide for the prospect of chocolate :)

_(22:23) Humm, I predict the creation of a war table in the near future. I could do with a rescue…?_

Sexy not burglar(22:25) And have D hate me for distracting you from the mission? Risky isn’t it? 

_(22:25) You may have a point there. He’s already a bit iffy on you after hearing you’re getting his chocolate._

_(22:25) How about Tomorrow? I’ll be at the dorm, so swing by any time._

Sexy bot burglar(22:26)Tomorrow it is.

Sexy bot burglar(22:26) And I might be persuaded into sharing.

Sexy not burglar(22:26) The um chocolate.

_(22:28) Nope. It’s all yours. He’ll have to deal with it._

Sexy not burglar(22:28) Oh god. He’s going to throw plastic fruits at me the next time I see him, won’t he?

_(22:28) Lol I’ll let you use my body for protection if he does._

Sexy not burglar(22:30) Ha, behind the couch?

_(22:30) Awaiting commands ;)_

***

Snakeskin is designer:

D-daddy(22:31) For heavens sake stop SEXTING your boyfriend - we have a crisis!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: The troll awakens...


	16. Draco, Sunday, November 6th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOM!  
> Hullo to all the new subscribers :)

There was no mail on Sundays.

Still, when Draco blatantly crawled his way across Theo’s living room in order to relinquish his wrath upon the incessant doorbell ringer from hell, he came face to face with a large delivery.

A Coffee delivery. 

And scones. Bacon. Sausages. Avocado toasts and the unmistakable scent of crème & onions bagels.

Fighting perilously against the pull of gravity, a round, heart-shaped, boyish face peered bashfully around the dubious offerings. It clashed, comically, with the fitness of his arms, adorned as they were, by a snug military jacket.

It had the initials DA sewn in.

Draco was not familiar with this unit.

Perhaps it was a special branch, working alongside the post office to ensure no citizen went unfed.

“Top o’ the morning to ya!”

Draco cringed, even as the mixture of cheerful lips and flustered cheeks tried to make a dent in his recollection.

The special agent - postman coughed.

“Um, we sort o’ met before. Neville?”

“No, I don’t think so. My name is Draco.” He said dismissively, torn between his desire to close shut the door on this suspiciously sunny bloke, and his desire for coffee.

And maybe a scone or two.

“Ha, n-no, _ah’m_ Neville. B-Blaise texted me ‘round five. Somthin’ ‘bout his upcoming painful death from substandard wine?“ The postman shifted from one foot to the next, while Draco forced himself to remember a Neville.

The name sounded vaguely important.

“Ah’ wouldn’ have come so early. Or a-at all, but he, er, put a very _specific_ request. Sent me the address an’ everythin’. Ah’ was a tad worried to be honest…”

Neville. Neville. Ne-

“Nelson!” Draco crowed, clicking his fingers in triumph and scanning the postman with renewal attention.

As far as he was aware, his friends were both fast asleep. Theo in the master bedroom and B, the plonker, in the coveted guest room. It was completely plausible, though, that the git woke up in the middle of the night feeling famished. Or Randy. Or very possibly, both, and thus texted his new infatuation in his sleep.

That, or Draco and Theo pulled a spiteful prank in _their_ sleep. Which was, admittedly, equally feasible.

Either way, Draco was getting his scones. He let the shady postman through. Who, upon hearing his name, not so much as blushed, as resembled a Christmas ball, filled with maroon fog instead of fake snow. 

Weird.

He did not have a lot of time to think about it though, because Blaise’s care-package was being unwrapped on Theo’s Island. Rather ineptly. The crimson Christmas ball seemed more occupied with his feet than with Draco’s breakfast.

He decided to intervene. For the sake of his coffee. Not at all because he found the Christmas ball inexplicably entertaining.

Indeed, he was happily licking residual avocado from his finger when non - other than Blaise stomped blindly into the room. Elegantly declaring the impending castration of the ”bloody git who nicked my phone, _DRACO_!”

Utterly delighted, Draco watched as the warning turned into a squeak (that miraculously enough, ended on a wavering smirk).

“I’d say you were a _dream_ sweety, but those don’t usually include a third party.”

Draco sipped his coffee while Blaise purred his recovery and sauntered into the Christmas ball’s private space. 

It helped that all he wore were T’s complimentary green pyjama bottoms.

A hand flipped the ball over, and shook, shook, shook until it was aflame.

And, okay, Draco could see the fascination when it let slip a giddy laugh – “Usually?”

“The couch made a guest appearance last night…Care to make it come true?” His friend hummed, flexing long fingers over the ball’s rather impressive chest.

How very _crude._

Draco inched forward.

BOOM.

Bloody hell!

He cursed grudgingly at whoever decided to interrupt his show; what happened to people’s sense of propriety?

Gargoyles-dealer(9:12) Hullo 

Gargoyles-dealer(9:12) I am not any kind of dealer.

Gargoyles-dealer(9:13) Why did you text me?

_(9:15) Don’t lie. I know about the Gargoyle._

Gargoyles-dealer(9:15) Yes. I was the one who told you about it.

Gargoyles-dealer(9:15) Why did you text me?

_(9:16) No, I know that it was stolen. You stole it. You are a thief!_

Gargoyles-dealer (9:16) I am not a thief either.

Gargoyles-dealer(9:16) Why did you text me?

_(9:19) …_

_(9:20) Why did you answer?_

Gargoyles-dealer(9:20) You are deflecting the question, Malfoy.

_(9:21) How do you know my last name?_

Gargoyles-dealer(9:22) You said it on the phone. Several times.

_(9:23) I did no such thing. Apologize._

Gargoyles-dealer(9:24) I also have you on Facebook.

_(9:24) That is neither here nor there._

Gargoyles-dealer(9:25) I have a suitcase in my room with the words “Property of Draco The Magnificent Malfoy”, printed on it.

Gargoyles-dealer(9:25) Complete with your private information and everything. You should really work on your serial-killer’s survival skills.

_(9:26)…_

_(9:26) Is that how you got my number?_

Gargoyles-dealer(9:27) Nah, I asked Blaise back when you were stalking me all over campus.

Gargoyles-dealer(9:27) I'm sorry. 

Gargoyles-dealer(9:27) OBSERVING.

_(9:28) Don’t flatter yourself, Potter. I could tell you were up to no good and look, I was right!_

Gargoyles-dealer(9:30) Are you trying to get me into trouble or something?

Gargoyles-dealer(9:30) Is that why you texted me?

_(9:31) You are being unreasonably stubborn about this text thing._

Gargoyles-dealer(9:31) Did you get home alright?

_(9:31) What?_

Gargoyles-dealer(9:32) On Thursday. Did you?

_(9:34) I_

_(9:34) Yes, yes I did._

_(9:34) Thank you._

Gargoyles-dealer(9:35) You’re very welcome, Malfoy.

Gargoyles-dealer(9:35) Are you going to stop trying to get me into trouble now?

_(9:36) Are you going to tell me about the Gargoyle?_

Gargoyles-dealer(9:36) Already did. 

_(9:38) How did you get it? Who gave it to you? Who did you give it to?_

Gargoyles-dealer(9:30) I have no memory of the events you are referring to. 

Gargoyles-dealer(9:30) But if I DID…

Gargoyles-dealer(9:30) I’d advise you to read the fine art section in the Prophet.

Gargoyles-dealer(9:30) I do believe your friend, Nott, has access to their website.

“-Then we celebrated a round of fine shagging by _melting_ the chocolate –“

Draco came to in the middle of Blaise’s self—invoked, play by play description of his dream.

Judging by the glazed expression on his face, their guest did not mind the scandalous mannerism of it all. Nor did he object to the way Blaise slithered between himself and the counter, taking jovially coffee breaks between each salacious detail.

Tiny bits of his friend's dialogue managed to sink in during the fretful search, followed by the furtive typing on Theo’s computer.

“- _You_ had the absolutely splendid idea of _pouring_ the chocolate on my -“

_An anonymous note had been sent to the National Museum –_

“- Naturally we needed a _thorough_ shower –“

_As of today, it remains unclear whether the sender is simply a magnanimous individual or, as some speculate, a party to the original theft. The one thing that is clear? Their love for fine art is the reason the Norwegian Ridgeback was returned to the warm embrace of the art community…_

“- So I took the sponge and _squeezed_ -“

_Still baffling is the current location of the statue, which was purposefully sent to our Romanian counterparts, known for their vast sections dedicated to religious artwork. The museum’s international lesion, Charlie Weasley, in response: “We are just glad to have found it.” And, again, superstitiously, “Feels a bit o’ shame to ship it back, when it could have all this extra space, eh?”_

“He gave it _back?!”_

“Well, eventually, yes, but hush now D darling, don’t ruin the ending.”

Draco ignored his friend altogether as his eyes scattered over the article; rereading it again and again until he was satisfied it was not a fabricated version.

_(9:36) You gave it back…_

_(9:36) Are you daft?_

Gargoyles-dealer(9:40) Goodbye Malfoy.

Upon his rude dismissal, Draco was left mouthing his own words like a soft prayer, growing in conviction by the power of careful repetition.

“He… gave it back?”

“He gave it back.”

“HE gave it back.”

“He GAVE it back.”

“He GAVE it BACK!”

Possibly more intrigued than he was before, Draco found himself searching the Daily prophet for any other signs of wrongdoings, or else, _good-_ doings, that could be linked to Harry Potter.

The scones laid on the counter. Untouched.

***

Snakeskin is designer:

Theo(10:15) Does anybody care to explain who’s the military official in my kitchen, and why is Blaise squeezing his bum?

QueenB(10:17) It’s called Dramatization Acting, T darling. Do keep up. 


	17. Luna, Friday, November 11th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feeling that Drarry starve? Yeah, well, so's Luna.

Harry wanted to scream. Granted, Harry always wanted to scream.

An infuriatingly adorable and visible blond head practically illuminated the dark parking lot. The men loading the track coughed, not sure whether they should comment on the new arrival, or take their boss’ lead. 

One of these days, the boy is going to get himself into serious troubles, following Harry around like that. 

Hence, the need to scream.

You see, Harry was quite fond of his little prince; living in his own little planet, asking needles questions, and embarking on quests he _should leave very well alone._

A few cars back, someone stepped on a soda can.

Bidding his time, Harry watched as the truck switched into gear and disappeared serenely into the distance. Grimacing, he followed the convulsive sound of a car’s horn.

“One of these days Pottah’, mark my words –“

However, Harry did not catch the rest of the threat. He rounded on the young man just as swiftly as he entered the passenger seat; hands cradling platinum threads of hair, rumbling ties, bunching up fabrics and unzipping metals in a turmoil of need, and tongues and -

Harry(15:16) I SHAG him behind a Rubber plant?!?!?!

_(15:16) Oh goody, you’ve read my new story!_

Harry(15:17) I SHAG HIM BEHIND A RUBBER PLANT???

_(15:17) Did you like it? I was very pleased with that part. It got a lot of flattering reviews!_

Harry(15:18) Luna what if he READS it?

_(15:19) You think he will? How fun! Do you think he’ll be willing to give me some pointers? I am getting nowhere with the next chapter…_

Harry(15:19) NO

Harry(15:20) What’s in the next chapter?

_(15:21) You confront him in a parking lot, of course!_

_(15:22) Now, in your opinion, is he the type to enjoy getting tied up in his car by, say, an Armani scarf?_

Harry(15:23) LUNA

Harry(15:23) This is ridiculous!

Harry(15:23) And did you have to make me a _mafia_ boss? He already concocted this crazy theory about me being a drug dealer.

_(15:25) Don’t worry Harry, I specifically wrote a fictional disclaimer. I even gave him a fictional name._

_(15:25) Mr. Smith._

Harry(15:26) Oh great now I’m calm.

Harry(15:26) How do you even come up with this stuff???

_(15:27) Well, I was talking with Ron’s roommate the other week and he had some fascinating insights!_

Harry(15:27) NEVILLE!?

_(15:28) Is that his name? Funny, I could have sworn it was Nelson._

_***_

** The Quibbler  **

NotTea left the following comment on Hogwarts: a history 

_Posted: 2015-11-11 15:49:11_

Very insightful. I can honestly say I can’t wait to read what these two are going to do next… 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unrelated confession: Writing this fic is so fun I now own a Snake Plant.  
> I am a Gryffindor.


	18. Ron, Monday, November 21st

The golden ratio:

Her_ brilliancy (16:14) AMAZING

Her_ brilliancy(16:14) I mean just think about all the opportunities!

Her_ brilliancy(16:14) You’ll learn so much. I am so jealous

_(16:16) Lol it’s a JOB._

_(16:16) A college one that doesn’t pay that well_

_(16:17) And the owner is creepy AF_. When he’s not sleeping in the back. I swear he’s completely useless!

_(16:18) I’ll probably just quit…_

Her_ brilliancy(16:20) Don't you dare Ronald!

ScarnotSimba(16:20) HAHA you’re only saying that because of the spiders ;)

_(16:25) They are bloody GIGANTIC mate. It’s disgusting. And they are EVERYWHERE._

_(16:25) OMG they’re coming down from the ceiling!_

ScarnotSimba (16:27) RUNNNNNNN

Her_ brilliancy(16:32) For goodness sake, did either of you ever heard of a pest repeller?

_(16:34) The owner is against it…_

ScarnotSimba(16:34) You’re joking.

_(16:36) Nope. He has very strong opinions on the matter. I told you, he’s batty._

ScarnotSimba(16:38) Then I got to go with Ron on this one. Quit.

Her_ brilliancy(16:41) No! You can’t just give up at the first sign of adversary! Rise to the challenge. Face your fears. MAN UP!

_(16:41) Why do you even care?_

ScarnotSimbe(16:42) Mate, you took a job at a BOOKstore. What did you expect?

***

_(16:45) You’re after my worker’s discount, aren’t you???_

Her_ brilliancy(16:47)…

Her_ brilliancy(16:47) I plead the fifth.

_(16:50) Nice try. I was there when you studied for your test, and I know for a fact that’s not a valid argument outside the US!_

Her_ brilliancy(16:50) I thought you were too busy watching Gilmore Girls to pay attention ;)

_(16:51) Hard to watch with you and Blaise practically drooling over your TA_

_(16:52) Which I got to say, seems a bit on the dim side_

Her_ brilliancy(16:52) He’s a TA how dim can he be? And I was not drooling.

_(16:53) You were, and he also goes to the same gym as Harry and I - I don’t care if he IS a TA, he’s bloody dim._

_(16:53) Also, has a tendency to leer at Harry. Just saying..._

Her_ brilliancy(16:54) On the record - are you outing Victor Krum?

_(16:55) I mean, he leers ‘mione. Honest to god, he leers._

_(16:55) I caught him winking yesterday_

_(16:55) And Harry was NOT pleased. So, he can’t be THAT attractive. I reckon Blaise is just a lousy influence on you_

Her_ brilliancy(16:58) For your information, Blaise was telling me about the time Neville got lost around the Law building. Apparently, Krum’s attempts to help were brimming with ulterior motives. Still hating on Blaise???

_(17:00) You know, I always liked that bloke_

_(17:00) What was Neville doing outside the law’s building?_

Her_ brilliancy(17:01) What do you THINK?

_(17:02) I guess those two are getting kinda close, eh?_

Her_ brilliancy(17:02) To say the least. Aren’t you supposed to be working right now?

_(17:03) Awww are we worried about our discount?_

Her_ brilliancy(17:03) OUR discount?

_(17:04) Obviously._

Her_ brilliancy(17:06) Good man. Now all I have to do is get Harry to take that coffee house job and my life will be complete.

(17:08) We sell coffee :)

Her_ brilliancy(17:10) Marry me.

(17:10) Yes.

Her_ brilliance(17:13) You want to re-consider your response time there Ronald?

(17:13) Nope

(17:13) With my books and your brain my term papers are as good as done

Her_ brilliance(17:15) Should have known you were working an angle

Her_ brilliance() (17:15) So be it. I accept your terms Weasley. You’ll have to face the spiders first, though

_(17:16) *shrugs*_

_(17:16) Fine_

Her_brillancy(17:17) Wait, seriously?

(17:19) Yeah, I know how petrified you get without your coffee…

Her_brillancy(17:20) Will you get in trouble if I’ll come over?

(17:20) That would require the owner to wake up so… You should come :)

***

The golden ratio:

ScarnotSimba(18:03) I can’t even

Her_brilliancy(18:03) Even I have to admit it’s a bit much…

_(18:03) I was BORED_

_(18:04) And you guys took forever to get here_

Her_brillancy(18:05) Just admit it. You wanted to find out if Rory got into Harvard!

_(18:05) fuck that_

_(18:05) I wanted to find out if PARIS got in_

Her_brillancy(18:09) You’ve picked an odd favourite…

_(18:10) I’m sorry. Dean was it?_

Her_brillancy (18:11) He has a lot of redeeming qualities. He took her to prom, he built her a car…

_(18:12) No one understands her like Jess does_

Her_brillancy(18:13) He was SO mean to her in the beginning though. Flaunted his stupid blond in her face, CRUSHED a car…

ScarnorSimba(18:14) GUYS

ScaenotSimba (18:14) Can we not?

_(18:15) Sorry mate_

Her_brilliancy(18:15) Sorry Harry. 

***

ScarnotSimba(21:33) Are you with Hermione?

_(21:35) What? No! Why would you ask me that?_

ScarnotSimba(21:35) No reason

_(21:36) Mate?_

ScarnotSimba(21:36) I am at The Mirror of Errised

_(21:36) The pawn shop? What are you doing in there?_

ScarnotSimba (21:36) You’ll never believe it

ScarnotSimba (21:36) I think

Scarnotsimba(21:37) I think I am looking at my parents!


	19. Draco, Tuesday, November 22nd, AM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ Costarring Harry the Drama Queen Potter and Draco the Snotty Snoop Malfoy ~

It was an accident. Draw of the dice. When he set up to meet T and B for a late night drink N dish he had no idea Potter would be there as well.

Did he _accidentally_ overhear Blaise’s latest boo mention that Potter was a regular? No, no he did not, despite Theo’s face suggesting otherwise.

B wasn’t too convinced either, but B also drank Martinis with vodka instead of gin, and subjected his love interests to his friends before actually dating them.

Which was the whole goal of the evening.

Planning date night.

“You’re getting friend zoned.” T declared flippantly over his shaken glass.

A barmaid walks by and T’s eyes follows.

“I am not. We flirt constantly.” B countered loudly. 

A new song starts, and a table of girls throw their hands in the air.

“You _text_ constantly.”

A bloke bumps Draco on his way to the bar. Draco hates sitting so close; It’s too stuffy, too loud, and every time one of these motorically challenged baboons passes by, he fears of being one spilled drink away from a dry-cleaning _disaster_.

“We spend plenty of time together,” B yelled over a plate of French fries. An indignant cry that turns into a welcome shout when a group of newcomers walks in.

Draco wishes he’d stop. It makes it virtually impossible to concentrate on what’s going on at the bar.

Potter sits at the bar.

“You _hanged_ _out._ ” T laughed derisively, singling the waitress for his next drink,” with other people, I may add.”

Draco cranes his neck; Potter was chatting vigorously with the pretty library bird. The Best Friend.

“We went for coffee just the other day.”

The best friend doesn’t like what she hears. Her face grows darker with every exaggerated hand gesture.

“Going out for coffee and running into him at the coffee cart are two completely different things B.”

Potter raises his voice; his friend annoys him. Well, Draco can’t blame him. His friend annoys him too.

Blaise shook his head, “he _likes_ me.”

“As a _friend._ You are being friend zon _-_ “

“YOU DON”T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DO!”

T stops mid sneer. B curses under his breath, and Draco gapes. Harry Potter rises up, throwing money at the table even as his friend tries to calm him down by putting her hands on his shoulders.

“Just let me be, Hermione!” It’s not a shout, but it’s still too loud to be an acceptable way to speak to one’s friends.

Draco reckons they must be very close.

On his way out, Potter bumps Draco’s shoulder.

Theo tusks disapprovingly and the bar ignites back into life.

“Well, that was _extremely_ rude _.”_

***

They stay on the steps because T refuses to get inside and B claims their opinion is detrimental for his dating success.

Draco thinks warmth is determinantal for his health, but no one seems to care at the moment, so he skips from one foot to the next and digs his fists in his jacket. There is a light on at the third floor, and his cold crazed mind decides it is warmer underneath it.

It has nothing to do with the voices. Nothing at all.

“- You can’t go back there!”

“YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.”

Draco narrowed his eyes. When B asked his thoughts on shooting ranges he nodded distractedly, and scooched closer to the light.

***

They tumble into bed in a graceless heap. T left them on the steps, but B had classes first thing in the morning and Draco was willing to sleep right about anywhere as long as he got away from the cold.

When they got in, the room was pitch black.

***

B leaned against the doorframe in the middle of the night. There’s light coming from the hall, and Draco has to filter out the whispered pleas by squashing a pillow over his head.

“We’re worried, that’s all, mate.”

“We want you to be safe, but we’ll always have your back-“

“-We go where you go - “

“- _Whatever it takes_.”

“I know. I know. ”

Funny. It did not sound like B. The voice was gruffer, and it had no drawl.

Draco rolled over.

“ – my parents … can’t be a coincidence… _has to be up to me_ …” 

***

Draco doesn’t notice it. Not until he comes out of the bathroom. Unlike T, B doesn’t have a spare toothbrush, and Draco doesn’t get a change of clothes or a hearty breakfast. Instead, he has a headache, a terrible case of morning breath, and a wrinkled shirt.

His biggest concern, though, is the blackboard.

It’s rolled up against the wall, complete with white chalk and an eraser that left a smudgy blot of white powder in its absence. 

Then he noticed it. Him. Harry the Scream Queen Potter.

He sits in the middle of his sofa with flannel pyjama pants and nothing more. He eats cereal from a chipped ball and has whacky bed hair despite the dark circles under his eyes.

He speaks suddenly; low and loud, like a bullet hissing its way out of a barrel.

A boom. 

“Hullo, Malfoy. What were you doing in my bed?”


	20. Draco, Tuesday, November 22nd PM

_“_ I’ll give it back. Eventually,” was all Potter said when Draco asked him about the blackboard. Then he got dressed and left Draco alone in his room, because he had classes and because he _trusted_ Blaise’s friends.

Draco didn’t have classes on Tuesdays.

Snakeskin is designer:

_(12:01) It’s blank._

QueenB (12:03) Roll it over.

_(12:04) I did. It’s blank on BOTH SIDES._

_(12:04) What does he have to do with a BLANK board?_

QueenB(12:07) Maybe it’s another stolen art project

QueenB(12:007) It could be a Rene Magritte's type thing

QueenB(12:07) “Ceci n’est pas un blackboard”

Theo(12:13) Why are you encouraging this?

QueenB(12:16) I’m a tremendously supportive friend…

QueenB(12:16) Plus I’m banking on D’s excessiveness to drive Potter back into his old room.

QueenB(12:16) Leaving Freckles’ impossibly shaggable roommate in need of my kind, chivalrous rescue.

QueenB(12:16) and bed.

QueenB(12:16) You should tots text him btw.

Theo(12:18) He is not going to text him B

_(12:21) …I texted him._

_***_

_(_ _12:16) Quick follow up question._

 _(_ _12:16) Did you STEAL the board?_

Gargoyle-dealer(12:39) Nah. 

Gargoyle-dealer(12:39) I just borrowed it.

 _(_ _12:45) Borrowed is street slang for stealing._

Gargoyle-dealer(12:45) That’s cute. Did you pick that up at Bond St?

 _(_ _12:46) Don’t call me cute. I am not cute. I am regal. Stately. Comely even, but not cute._

 _(_ _12:46) And Bond st is hardly safe. Tons of robbery is going on in THERE but I expect YOU already knew that._

Gargoyle-dealer(12:47) Are you insinuating that I’m a robber?

 _(_ _12:47) You did steal a blackboard._

 _(_ _12:49) Was it for the drugs?_

Gargoyle-dealer(12:49) Lol what is it with you and the drugs?

 _(_ _12:51) You’re a political golden boy. It’s not a leap. The bigger they are, the harder they fall._

Gargoyle-dealer(12:51) So basically you’re trying to make me fall?

 _(_ _12:51) Now you are just being preposterous._

Gargoyle-dealer(12:52) So you want me to succeed? 

_(_ _12:55) I want nothing to do with you._

Gargoyle-dealer(12:55) Clearly ;)

Gargoyle-dealer(12:55) And I’m not

Gargoyle-dealer(12:55) A political whatever you meant

 _(_ _12:56) Oh, but you are._

 _(_ _12:56) What remains to be seen is whether or not you are also a criminal._

Gargoyle-dealer(13:00) Because of my blackboard?

 _(_ _13:00) Because of your Gargoyle AND your blackboard._

Gargoyle-dealer (13:01) I thought we already covered the Gargoyle.

 _(_ _13:01) That was before the blackboard happened._

_(13:01) Now I’m suspicious again._

Gargoyle-dealer(13:04) It helps me think.

Gargoyle-dealer (13:04) The board.

Gargoyle-dealer(13:04) That’s why I have it.

 _(_ _13:07) What do you have to think about?_

Gargoyle-dealer (13:08) I am a college student, Malfoy.

Gargoyle-dealer (13:08) I have to submit papers like any other college student..

 _(_ _13:09) Nice try, but I am also a college student – miraculously enough I’ve managed to pass all of my courses without personalizing my teachers’ equipment._

Gargoyle-dealer(13:10) Must be all your innate cleverness. 

***

Snakeskin is designer:

_(13:10) He’s being extra cagy about the blackboard._

_(13:10) But we are vibing super hard right now._

_(13:10) He called me clever._

Theo(13:17) Sarcastically?

 _(_ _13:17) Damn it_

***

_(13:19) Are you being sarcastic?_

Gargoyle-dealer(13:20) idk am I? :)

***

Snakeskin is designer:

 _(13:20) He was_ _!! He was being sarcastic._

_(13:20) How dare he? I AM clever._

QueenB(13:21) Yes you are.

QueenB(13:21) You should tell him as much.

QueenB(13:21) Communication is the pillar of any healthy relationship.

Theo(13:22) Are you high??? Don’t tell him D

_(13:25) … I told him._

_***_

_(13:21) I should hope not because I am extremely clever._

_(13:21) And witty._

_(13:21) Brilliant, really._

Gargoyle-dealer(13:26) Let’s not forget comely

_(13:29) Damn straight._

Gargoyle-dealer(13:29) Somehow, I doubt it ;)

_(13:30) My, my._

_(13:30) Are you flirting with_ _me?_

Gargoyle-dealer(13:30) Just stating the obvious again

_(13:31) No, no, I think you are flirting with me._

Gargoyle-dealer(13:31) Am I, now?

_(13:32) Yes, you are totally flirting with me._

_(13:32) Stop it._

_(13:32) I’m investigating you, that’s inappropriate._

Gargoyle-dealer(13:34) Only if you flirt back

Gargoyle-dealer(13:34) Which I highly recommend that you do

_(13:35) Of course you would._

_(13:35) You want to derail my investigation._

Gargoyle-dealer(13:37) Did anyone ever tell you you have serious trust issues?

_(13:37) I don’t have trust issues._

_(13:37) I don’t have issues._

_(13:37) I am issueless._

Gargoyle-dealer(13:40) Everyone has issues.

Gargoyle-dealer(13:40) I, for example, have a very big issue. It’s blond, has zero survival skills and I was just notified that it ransacked my room trying to find out something THAT DOES NOT EXIST.

_(13:42) I can not believe you sicked Nelson on me._

_(13:42) Who has trust issues now, hmmm?_

Gargoyle-dealer(13:42) You - you RANSACKED my room

_(13:43) Please._

_(13:43) Nelson is grossly exaggerating._

_(13:43) I knocked over ONE lamp._

_(13:43) Accidentally._

Gargoyle-dealer(13:44) You mean you *broke* one lamp, premeditatively.

_(13:44) I did you a favour - that thing was a monstrosity._

Gargoyle-dealer(13:45) …Was it furry?

_(13:45) It was ALIVE, Potter._

Gargoyle-dealer(13:46) Yeah okay I always hated that lamp.

_(13:46) IT. BIT.MY. HAND._

Gargoyle- dealer(13:47) Good, maybe next time you won’t go through other people’ stuff.

_(13:48) I did no such thing. Don’t flatter yourself._

_(13:48) I don’t even care about your stupid blackboard anymore._

_(13:48) Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to have a heart to heart with Nelson over here._

_***_

Gargoyle-dealer(14:15) Did you 

Gargoyle-dealer(14:15) did you try to bribe Neville to “expose” me

Gargoyle-dealer(14:15) with Guavas??? O.o

(14:16) …

(14:16) No?

***

Snakeskin is designer:

(14:18) B would you kindly tell your boyfriend that snitches do in fact end up in ditches????

***

Gargoyle-dealer(14:42) I mean it’s not your worst idea???

Gargoyle-dealer(14:42) He IS fond of them

Gargoyle-dealer(14:42) Ngl I’m legitimately surprised it didn’t work

_(15:02) Are you so sure it didn’t?_

_(15:02) Maybe it’s all a part of my master plan._

_(15:02) Maybe he did agree to the bribe but told you he didn’t._

_(15:02) MAYBE it’s a distraction tactic and we’ve been colluding together ever since._

Gargoyle-dealer(15:03) Maybe he just texted me a picture of you brooding in a corner.

***

Nelson isn’t getting his Guavas:

(QueenB, Theo, No-Guavas, You)

*You created group “Nelson isn’t getting his Guavas"*

QueenB(15:03) Umm what’s happening right now??

Theo(15:03) I do believe they call it the ultimate *friend zone*

No-Guavas(15:05) Why do everyone assumes I like Guavas????

No-Guavas(15:05) Also, hey :)

QueenB(15:06) What

QueenB(15:06) is

QueenB(15:06) happening?

_(15:06) **@No-Guavas:** Oh no _

_(15:06) You don’t get to be all friendly and civil._

(15:06) You sent him my picture?!?!?!

Theo(15:07) ~ plot twist ~

Theo(15:07) I approve. 

QueenB(15:08) Why do you have Nelson’s number????

No-Guavas(15:08) @ **mentioned you in comment:** Im sorry I was sending it to Blaise and pressed the wrong contact by mistake :(

_(15:09) That’s so much worse it’s giving me a headache._

No-Guavas(15:10) But he didn’t believe me when I said we were having special bonding time

No-Guavas (15:10) *img* 

No-Guavas(15:11) We’re babysitting a blackboard together :)

*** 

Snakeskin is designer:

QueenB(15:13) Seriously why do you have his number?????

QueenB(15:14) Guys?

QueenB(15:15) ????????

Theo(15:17) You do get that they are in the same room? He probably just asked for it.

_(15:18) Give me some credit._

_(15:18) I picked it off B’s phone aeons ago._

Theo(15:18) Samesies, actually.

QueenB(15:19) Close ranks guys. Close. Ranks.

***

Gargoyle-dealer(15:42) Malfoy?

Gargoyle-dealer(15:45) I feel like I should note that I didn’t ask Neville to take your picture

Gargoyle-dealer(15:46) Are you still in my room?

 _(_ _16:00) No._

 _(_ _16:00) That would be insanely creepy._

Gargoyle-dealer(16:03) lol try not to break any more lamps, Malfoy

 _(_ _16:05) I have no idea what you’re implying, Potter._

***

Nelson isn’t getting his Guavas:

 _(_ _16:05) If asked, that bookshelf collapsed all on its own._

***

Snakeskin is designer:

QueenB(16:10) Are you demolishing my room?

Theo(16:10) “Room”

 _(_ _16:12) Now now B no needs for the dramatics._

 _(_ _16:12) I’m merely taking a closer look._

Theo(16:13) Sure. That sounds healthy and harmless.

Theo(16:13) What happened to Guava-boy?

 _(_ _16:15) He’d been neglecting his duties._

 _(_ _16:15) I think he feels bad for the pic incident_

 _(_ _16:15) As he should._

QueenB(16:16) Right. Yes. That is 100% what’s happening. He is devastated and definitely isn’t live texting me the whole Draco vs Potter’s belongings battle of the wills.

QueenB(16:16) Only he totally is, and I’m weirdly into it?

QueenB(16:17) Check his sweater cabinet. From my experience, sophisticated blokes like Potter always hide salacious items in their sweater cabinets.

 _(_ _16:20) I can’t possibly go through his sweater cabinet, B._

 _(_ _16:20) He doesn’t have one._

QueenB(16:23) The sock drawer? 

_(_ _16:23) Gross._

 _(_ _16:23) I barely like touching my own socks._

QueenB(16:24) Ask Nelson to do it.

 _(_ _16:26) He’s so lucky to have found you._

QueenB(16:26) Aren’t you all? <3

 _(_ _16:30) OMG he did it._

 _(_ _16:30) Wait!_

 _(_ _16:30) He found something!!_

 _(_ _16:30) He’s walking over!!!_

 _(_ _16:30) He handed me a pair of rolled up socks._

 _(_ _16:31) I’m no longer convinced he understands what we’re doing in here…_

Theo(16:31) I can relate.

***

Nelson isn’t getting his Guavas:

QueenB(16:33) I got to ask

QueenB(16:33) Did he wear the socks???

_(16:35) Yes, B. I oppose to touching them but wearing them is A-okay._

No-Guavas(16:39) Harry wouldn’t mind :)

No-Guavas(16:39) He is strangely generous with his socks.

No-Guavas(16:39) *strangely*

_(16:40) And this from the bloke who blushes while watching Downton Abbey…_

Theo(16:40) **@No-Guavas:** I don’t even want to begin and understand that statement.

QueenB(16:41) Are you two just…binging in my room? Together?

_(16:42) No._

No-Guavas(16:42) We also have Pizza :)

No-Guavas(16:42) Oh shoot

No-Guavas(16:43) We’re using your tablet without permission

No-Guavas(16:43) It was right there on the coffee table…I didn’t even thought about it.

QueenB(16:44) That’s cool.

QueenB(16:44) I don’t have one.

_(16:44) …_

_(16:45) !!!_

***

Snakeskin is designer:

_(16:48) This is bad._

_(16:48) No, it’s amazing._

_(16:48) Strike that, it’s bad._

_(16:48) I think I just saw his parents._

_(16:48) I think I know them._

_***_

Gargoyle-dealer(19:00) So about that bookshelf…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time to face the music. Bleville is going strong in this fic, and I've decided to honour them in my tags.  
> Still, I ask you wise and benevolent readers, is that enough? Or should I honour them with a Neville POV chapter? 
> 
> Help this desolated writer decide :)


	21. Blaise, Friday, November 25

They rendezvous at the Parisians coffee house outside D’s apartment. It’s sleek and has just the right amount of incomprehensible words mixed into its menu to entertain all three of them.

Blaise loved it. They took your order at the counter, which, naturally, meant an endless supply of whimsical mispronunciation opportunities.

Alas, Blaise’s friends did not share his free - spirited, fun mannerism, and were rather more akin to the humanized form of an erectile dysfunction pill. They refused to stand next to him, and he was thus left to make their orders as well as his own.

All by his lonesome.

Unsupervised.

“I think I ordered your muffins,” He drawled, slithering back into his seat. “Or frog’s legs. It could have been frog’s legs.”

Next to the window, D shook his head.

“That’s nice, B,” he said dryly, ”we asked for coffee.”

“He’s just fucking with you,” T tusked; a perpetual wet blanket over the canvas of Blaise’s life.

_(10:02) I think I’m going to fake a trip to the lavatory and order T’s something funky._

Sexy not burglar(10:02) Nooooo, don’t do that. You promised to live text me, and you already took precious on airtime by the counter :)

_(10:02) Just a little something_

_(10:02) Frog's legs_

_(10:02) One frog leg_

_(10:02) A tiny one_

_(10:02) Won’t take a second_

Sexy not burglar(10:03) :(

_(10:03) Fine, I’ll wait for the commercials. Just for you._

Sexy not burglar(10:03) #Blessed

Sexy not burglar(10:03) Now stop flirting and start texting. Did he reach the part about the tablet?

_(10:04) You were THERE for that part!_

Sexy not burglar(10:04) But I didn’t get the D’s commentaries. I need the commentaries.

_(10:04) He didn’t reach it yet. He just started the exposition. I.E. So I was walking around Blaise’s room minding my own business…_

Sexy not burglar(10:04) Not breaking any lamps

_(10:04) Exactly._

_(10:05) Oh, he reached my favourite part_

_(10:05) The Arrival of Nelson ;)_

Sexy not burglar(10:06) I fear I did very little to contribute to the plot tbh

_(10:06) Nonsense. You’re the fan-favourite underdog. You are the glue that secretly holds the plot together._

_(10:06) Just when our desolate hero is losing hope BAM you find The Tablet._

_(10:06) Plus, eye candy._

Sexy not burglar (10:07) So little time, so many responsibilities

_(10:08) Spoken like a true underdog._

_(10:08) Okay please explain the followings:_

_(10:08) “He distracted me with his extreme cordiality” … ??_

Sexy not burglar(10:09) It was but a small hurdle in my 7 steps plan for universal dominance.

_(10:09) I knew it._

Sexy not burglar(10:09) But you couldn’t believe it.

_(10:09) Because of your extreme cordiality_

Sexy not burglar (10:10) Hence, the plan :)

_(10:10) It’s a new age and I’m excited to be alive for it._

_(10:10) Actually, should I be worried?_

_(10:10) What would my position be in this new world order you’re planning?_

Sexy not burglar (10:11) Um wow Idk I mostly top

_(10:13) What?_

Sexy not burglar (10:14) Fuck

_(10:14) NELSON_

Sexy not burglar (10:14) OMG

Sexy not burglar (10:14) I’M SORRY

Sexy not burglar(10:14) I thought

Sexyy not burglar(10:14) like with the couch

Sexy not burglar (10:14) Can I delete it? I’m going to delete it

_(10:15) …After I already read it?_

Sexy not burglar (10:15) YES

Sexy not burglar (10:15) otherwise it’ll mock me for eternity just…being there

_(10:16) Awww but I like it there_

_(10:16) I want it there_

_(10:16) I j’adore it there_

_(10:16) D may be a bit cross with me because I shoved my phone in T’s face but D is always cross with me_

Sexy not burglar (10:17) Ha I forgot about him

Sexy not burglar (10:17) What’s he saying?

_(10:17) Not a clue. I’ve tuned him out since you mentioned your dominance aspirations ;)_

Sexy not burglar (10:18) BLAISE

_(10:18) What???_

_(10:18) Our version of events is so much better anyway_

_(10:18) Let’s get back to it, shall we?_

_(10:18) I believe you were topping me… dominantly_

Sexy not burglar (10:19) You’re unbelievable

_(10:19) Oh hun you have no idea ;)_

Sexy not burglar (10:20) Don’t goat me. I’m not above digressing into sexting.

_(10:20) You seem to be under the illusion that I’d object_

Sexy not burglar (10:21) Wouldn’t you Blaise? You ARE at a very public restaurant with two of your closest mates whereas I am completely alone. In bed… :)

_(10:21) There better be a continue to that sentence_

_(10:21) Fuck actually there better not_

_(10:21) D is looking murderous_

_(10:21) I can’t believe I’m saying this_

_(10:22) I think I have to go_

Sexy not burglar (10:22) Oh okay

Sexy not burglar (10:22) I guess I’ll make use of both my hands then :)

_***_

D sipped his coffee; Blaise could tell he was trying to calm himself down because he did the rolling-it-in-his-mouth thing, and he only did it when he was properly upset. T even made a tower out of their devices, so D would have their full attention.

It was right next to the sugar stand, so now his phone kept buzzing and buzzing and buzzing, making the tiny brown grains next to T’s stirring spoon vibrate and dance. 

“I’ve never met his parents,“ D said, beginning a play of take-backs with his drink.

He took it, rolled it in his hands and put it back before doing it all over again.

“Not really. I know who they are. I’ve seen them. Not in person, and I wouldn’t have remembered it, if he wasn’t the spitting image of the father. I’m not talking about their _deaths,_ either. I’ve actually never heard about that before B developed his over-salvation problem.”

He rotated the cup and held it to his lips, recollected himself, and sat it back without having drinking from it.

“I know them as Mr and Mrs Wedding Crashers.”

D sank in his chair, but Blaise sat up straighter - Mr and Mrs Wedding Crashers were sort of a legend. He first learned about them during the summer before sixth year, though D had been hearing about the wedding crashers all his life.

They were never mentioned by name, but a fuming Mr. Malfoy claimed that they were a rouge couple, unworthy of an invitation to his wedding. Consumed by jealousy, they infiltrated the kitchens during the vows and stole the cake!

The boys always felt there was more to the story.

They wasted hours and hours trying to find out the culprits, watching old wedding videos and reenacting the ceremony (though, the latter had less to do with the wedding crashers and more to do with Blaise’ drunken insistent that he can fit into Mrs Malfoy’s dress).

Through a process of deduction, they decided that the duo disguised themselves as members of the stuff. Despite the moniker, the boys did not limit their search to married couples. In fact, due to the juvenile nature of the prank, they suspected that the offenders were in their mid to late adolescence. 

Their obsession was finally stopped when Mrs. Malfoy found an inexplicable tear in her gown, and the wedding crushes’ case was hastily announced unsolvable. Never to be revisited again.

Until D sank in his chair.

“I found their photo on his tablet,” he exhaled, getting grimmer with each assertion, “pretty couple, no more than 18, dressed in tuxedos and drinking beers in some shabby diner. Eating Cake. The Cake. The entire cake is in the picture.”

Blaise inched forward, “and you recognized them from the video?”

A forlorn nod,” yes, and wedding albums.”

“So we were right on the money?”

A minute shrug, “it appears so.”

“And your parents knew each other?”

A grunt, “yes.”

“You have to tell him.”

There was no replay; D, if possible, sagged further down his chair, T analyzed and dissected this new revelation in his head, and Blaise was left with the buzz, buzz, buzz of the cellular tower.

Then, the lady who worked the counter approached their table.

“One plait of cuisses de grenouille,” she announced with a flustered smile, “courtesy of Nelson.”

_***_

_(11:21) I don’t know which is the bigger turn on…_

_(11:21) Your last massage_

_(11:21) Or that you bought me frog legs_

_(11:21) Which are quite disgusting actually_

_(11:21) But I loved it_

_(11:22) LIKED it_

_(11:22) Okay I’m cool again_

_(11:23) No I’m not_

_(11:23) T said you have “game”_

_(11:23) Big Compliment_

_(11:24) Are you all wanked out?_

Sexy not burglar (12:00) Yes.

_(12:02) Really? That’s hot_

Sexy not burglar(12:04) Ha no sorry that was a joke :)

_(12:05) That’s okay you’re still hot_

Sexy not burglar(12:05) Even If I said the frogs were actually for T?

_(12:05) Oh yeah_

_(12:05) Messing with my friends makes it hotter_

Sexy not burglar(12:06) You have the weirdest fetishes lol

_(12:07) The only fetish I have is a Nelson fetish ;)_

_(12:07) Speaking of…_

_(12:07) Did I mention how much I liked you calling yourself Nelson?_

Sexy not burglar(12:08) I was honestly worried you wouldn’t recognize me otherwise.

_(12:09) Lol that’s hysterical_

_(12:11) That was a joke right?_

_(12:_ _12) Neville sweety of course I’d recognize your name!!_

 _(12:_ _13) Neville?_

 _(12:_ _13) Longbottom?_

 _(_ _12:13) (See I know BOTH names)_

 _(_ _12:14) T is saying I have no game and that I’m being extra creepy_

Sexy not burglar (12:16) Shoot

Sexy not burglar (12:16) No Blaise

Sexy not burglar (12:16) I mean I DID think that but you’re not creepy

Sexy not burglar(12:17) Sorry if I’m being a bit off

Sexy not burglar(12:17) I’m having lunch with my parents and they can be…distracting

Sexy not burglar(12:17) To say the least.

_(12:18) That’s cool, we can talk later?_

Sexy not burglar(12:18) Yes please!

Sext not burglar(12:18) Oh and B?

_(12:18) ?_

Sexy not burglar (12:19) You have game :)

Sexy not burglar (19:39) Can now be later?

_(19:40) I highly recommend that it would._

_(19:40) Is everything…Okay?_

Sexy not burglar(19:40) Um yeah why wouldn’t it be?

_(19:41) You had lunch with The Parents._

_(19:41) And you’re asking to talk._

Sexy not burglar(19:43) Oh no lunch was lovely

Sexy not burglar(19:44) I’m just googling famous Nelsons

_(19:46) HAHAHHAHAHA sorry babe_

_(19:46) You probably won’t get it without context._

_(19:46) Let’s just say it’s very…you._

Sexy not burglar (19:47) Be honest.

Sexy not burglar (19:47) Is this a porn thing?

_(19:47) No, but now I’m disappointed that it isn’t_

_(19:47) Wait where are you searching?????_

Sexy not burglar(19:48) … ;)

_(19:48) You have to stop dropping sexy into the convo, I nearly choked on my wine_

Sexy not burglar (19:49) Wine? That’s fancy, are you at dinner?

_(19:49) At the Malfoys’, I am to play distraction while D sneaks up to the attic._

Sexy not burglar (19:50) That sounds promising, what’s he got in the attic?

_(19:50) Just some old paraphernalia he needs to revisit._

Sexy not burglar (19:51) Ah I see

Sexy not burglar(19:51) Magazines?

_(19:51) I’m going to go with yes_

_(19:51) But only because I’m secretly hoping one of his parents are reading this over my shoulder_

Sexy not burglar(19:52) Meanie

Sexy not burglar(19:52) Are you okay to keep texting?

_(19:53) Hell yes_

_(19:53) It may even be vital for my well being_

_(19:53) D just excused himself to the bathroom (re: the attic) and Mrs Malfoy is telling us about her childhood a chateau - no amount of wine can excuse mentioning wallpapers so many times in one sentence._

Sexy not burglar(19:54) When I got drunk last weekend I did an hour on indoor plants and you didn’t seem to mind.

_(19:54) Oh hun_

_(19:54) That was because you had your hand up my thigh and kept slurring the word bedroom_

Sexy not burglar(19:55) Oh

Sexy not burglar(19:56) Ohhhh

Sexy not burglar(19:56) Oh god

Sexy not burglar (19:57) Was I really touching your thigh the entire time???

_(19:58) No_

_(19:58) You were also squeezing my knee_

_(19:58) You worked your way up to the thigh_

Sexy not burglar(19:59) Blaise I am so sorry!

_(19:59) For…?_

Sexy not burglar (19:59) Idk taking liberties???

_(20:00) Nelson sweety_

_(20:00) I assure you I did not mind_

_(20:00) Quite the contrary_

Sexy not burglar(20:01) Huh

Sexy not burglar(20:01) I kinda feel like I missed an opportunity there

_(20:03) You probably did a little bit_

Sexy not burglar(20:05) Can we um

Sexy not burglar(20:05) Can we raincheck it?

_(20:06) Neville N Longbottom are you PROPOSTIONING me?_

Sexy not burglar (20:06) Ha yeah I guess I am

Sexy not burglar (20:06) Sorry I probably could have done it better

_(20:07) Nonsense you did a marvellous job_

_(20:07) I accept of course_

_(20:09) This would be the part where you set a time and a place_

_(20:09) I’m free Saturday through Sunday_

_(20:09) My room would be preferable_

_(20:09) We can… study ;)_

Sexy not burglar (20:10) Haha Netflix and Chill?

_(20:10) Have a super early breakfast_

Sexy not burglar (20:10) At 4 am

_(20:11) Nowww you’re getting it_

Sexy not burglar(20:11) I’m feeling very scandalous

Sexy not burglar(20:12) Might need to get dinner first to ease the awkwardness

_(20:14) At 4 am?_

Sexy not burglar (20:15) I was thinking more like sevenish?

 _(20:16)_ _Mhmm that’s a very reasonable time_

 _(20:16)_ _So reasonable one might confuse it with a date_

Sexy not burglar(20:16) it’s

Sexy not burglar(20:16) Unless you don’t

Sexy not burglar(20:16) I mean

Sexy not burglar(20:17) I was hoping it would be?

Sext not burglar(20:17) A date that is.

***

Snakeskin is designer

D-daddy(20:18) Was that a scream???

***

_(20:20) I believe that can be arranged…_


End file.
